Monday, October 1, 2012

#30 Write Now

October feels like a fresh start, so I decided to kick off this month doing something a bit different, a writing challenge. The rules are simple, write everyday for 30 minutes, don't worry about grammar - just write. If you get stuck, there are prompts issued the night before, but if not, then just....write. Right now.

Today's prompt: Courage.

I don't want to talk about courage, it's a trait that generally speaking, I wouldn't say that I possess. I'm not a bad person, I have no problem speaking my mind, but I characterize myself more along the lines of impetuous rather than courageous.

Some might say that I have bits and pieces of courage flowing through me, but I think that my courage is something that is only there in certain circumstances. For example, being courageous while I'm out and about is easy. Talking to people is one of the few things I've never struggled with, not talking to women and trying to form friendships, not flirting with men, not going in for interviews - in that way I am "courageous," but when it comes to things that I think I should be more courageous about, I shirk away from the responsibility, flee from the potential to fail; hardly courageous to say the least.

I want to be courageous about my beliefs. I want to be willing to change my life and go full force, to take all the time necessary to study out who I am and whose I am. Truly dedicate my mornings to reading, praying, worshipping - having a life that is worship, not just a "quiet" time and my Sunday mornings or my small groups.

I want to understand.

So this morning I started a plan, it should take about 6 months, but the point of it is to really go deep, learn more, be consistent, think about what I'm reading and what it means for me and my life, respond to it, let it mold me.

I've struggled for years with the idea of knowing my true identity. I would say it's an oddly courageous undertaking to try and figure myself out, properly. A friend sent me a tweet today, "Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will continue to look for more." While the thought behind it was more geared towards self-worth, I find it difficult to have a true understanding of what you deserve if you don't know who you are. How will I know that I am enough if I don't know myself?

Interesting question.

A thought that was brought up in a sermon that I watched last week delved a bit deeper into that thought. The idea that it's not just about believing in Jesus, it was just as important to believe Jesus...do you know what I mean? It's not just about saying, Jesus died on a cross for me and He loves me, it's also saying I am worth dying for...and believing it.

I spent my day thinking about the different things that I hope to learn over the course of the next 6 months about myself and my identity in God, but also just with knowing more about God and his character. What he says about me, what he says about the world, what he says about life - it all seems and sounds so abstract and random, but is it really? Aren't we all kinda searching around for our own purpose?

The problem with this whole, "write for 30 minutes" thing is that I have a tendency to ramble on and on hoping that my thoughts will come to be some sort of...traceable piece of content. That when I read it (or someone else reads it) that it makes sense, so I guess I should make it clear again.

I plan to use the next 6 months to do something courageous - get to know myself and find my true identity. The next 6 months my life will be making a drastic change and I'm excited about it. I believe, sincerely, that once someone has an encounter with God, their lives are never the same. I want to get close to God, I want to feel His presence around me, I want that for my life. I think that adding that to my life will bring me peace, better relationships with family and friends, as well as more control over my reactions to things. I know I won't be perfect, I know I won't necessarily turn into Mrs. Proverbs 31 - and frankly, I don't know if I want to...but I do know that I will grow in ways that I haven't seen before, that I will be able to expand my mental horizons almost as much as I've been expanding my healthy horizons, and I can't wait. The thought of knowing myself fully is overwhelming. The concept of seeing myself as GOD sees me is amazing, but I can't compose myself when I imagine just how much better my life will be.

I can't wait to see me as I am supposed to see me.
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