Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.

A wrap up.

A few captures from my 365 so far... :)

Ahhh, it's Friday! What a lovely week it has been.

After spending a grand total of probably 32 hours (at the most) with DP, taking pictures, listening to music, enjoying life, and not really enjoying Korean food (sorry, girl) - I was rejuvenated and ready to come back to reality. SIGH.

Thankfully, my reality has been pretty sweet as of late. Work has been good, my friendships have been solid, and I have a lot to look forward to in general.

I had the pleasure of having a fantastic Valentine's Day date with a great guy who also sent a box of chocolate covered strawberries to my job.

Let's just say - I've never had anything like this happen to me, so it was such a treat!

We went out to a fantastic restaurant, got some great food, then ate the rest of the chocolate covered strawberries (they were SO big, I couldn't eat them all at work!) and drank champagne while watching Scandal.

Truly, a great night indeed.

It's the little things that mean so much though. Honestly, coming back to the newsroom from a live shot (that went amazingly well at that) to a box at my desk with some sweet treats inside was the proverbial icing on the cake for a perfect day - and it was a perfect day that was just one of many high points for the week.

I can only hope that next week holds so much promise! But even if it doesn't, I will savor all the great moments of this week and appreciate my friends, loved ones, and even those that I don't love so much for all they mean to me and the impact they've had on my life.

DP being sassy, but classy at Big Spring Park.

Some jugglers...just juggling...

Me being a creep...per usual.

"Laissez les bon temps rouler!" @ Millies in PC

Cheers to the freakin' weekend!

Sometimes you gotta get away.

Sweet, home Alabama.

Being somewhere for a year can really wear you down and sometimes, all you need is a little vacation - and I finally had one without using any of my vacation time.

Sunday, after church, I scrambled home to grab my bags and hit the road to go to Huntsville, AL to visit my amazing friend for her birthday and attend the Rock and Worship Roadshow.

First of all, let me be crystal clear: this visit was everything I needed right now. I had a chance to do a photoshoot with DP, heard some great music, and met some awesome people. It was just the right dose of escape to remind me that where I am now isn't where I'll always be.

Also, let me add that there is nothing more fun than going to a great worship. I mean, I heard Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp, Rhett Walker Band, and a bunch of people I'd never heard of before and pretty much all of it was fantastic.

What wasn't so much fun? Driving back to Panama City Beach at 4:30 in the morning today. Whoo, pain in the butt, however I will say that I'm grateful for how things worked out because originally, I would have had to leave AL a 1 am.

Praise God that that didn't happen.

Anyway, here are some pics from the weekend - expect some stuff for my 365 soon. I started it on Monday...2 days strong y'all.

Big Spring Park in Hunstville, AL

DP and I

Happy Tuesday!

All the loveliness of February

When I said that 2013 was going to be a good year, I had no idea that it was going to be this much of a good year. Holy cheese. 

So, let's start from the top:

My church launched it's newest campus on the beach, I'm on the production team, and I'm really happy.

This. Is. Huge.

At least it is for me...I kinda talked a bit about it before, but this past year has been an uphill battle of looking for a place to belong, praying for friendships that last and putting myself out there in ways that I didn't think about before. I feel like I'm finally getting over that hump. After a year of struggle, I'm meeting people, connecting with people, truly feeling like a part of something.

My church has been a big part of that, not just helping me to meet people, but to also know the quality of people that I want in my life, truly understanding the importance of having people that have my same priorities and common goals. Needless to say, my circle of friends has shrunk as I've moved further and further away from certain spheres of influence, and it will probably continue to get smaller and smaller, but the beauty of it is knowing that the people that I have gotten closer to are the type that will encourage me.

Next on the list, I'm doing some new stuff...expect a post about this later today actually, haha.

I recently got on board with a Blogger Book Swap.

It's combining two things that I love: meeting new people and reading great books.

The other day, I got my books in the mail from my partner Stephanie an awesome lady who recently got a new position working with her church as their youth and creative ministries pastor in Vancouver, Washington.

She sent me two books and I've already started to dive into one of them...but like I said...more on those later.

Back to why this is on the list of loveliness in February. Over the past few weeks, Stephanie and I have been emailing back and forth about our lives and whatnot and that combined with reading her blog has inspired me to be a bit more consistent and deliberate with my blogging (I know, I know, I said that before, but for real - I'm committed now.)

So, expect less camera phone pictures and more...actual pictures...as I get back in gear for my 2nd go round with the forever terrifying 365 project.

Other Loveliness for February:

1. I'm going to be seeing not one but two of my really good friends this month.
2. I'm going on a couple roadtrips, this weekend I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama and a couple weeks after that I'll be back in Gainesville, Florida.
3. Did I mention that both of those trips are music related? Talk about winnnning.
4. I might be starting a small group aimed specifically at college age students - if you know my heart, you know I'm jumping for joy like crazy over this.