Oh, change.

It's been quite awhile since I wrote something here...I know this, because my mother said something to me and I jokingly mentioned it to a friend who agreed. I can't put my finger quite on why I stopped writing. I don't know if it's because I didn't think it was pertinent anymore or if was just that writing changed for me,  it didn't necessarily stop being important it just...turned into more of a chore, less of a pleasure and frankly, I had way too much going on.

So, a quick catch up? Over the course of the past 9 months, things have grown in me, been birthed from me -- not literally, still no babies here but go with me on this. I left the sunny, sandy, white beaches of Panama City Beach to take on a new beast, Wichita, Kansas, had an uneventful breakup, an unfortunate situation, and a world of change. I've grown in ways that I never thought could happen so fast, my heart has changed, my priorities are the same but now they follow a different direction and suddenly the things that I wanted have started to become molded into something totally new. I know I'm speaking in general terms, but it's hard to say in specifics just what changed.

Over the course of one long drive spread out over two days, with an almost ticket for going 3 over the speed limit, a nice stay in Memphis, and a quick discovery of a new home, I found myself in a new place crying (like I always do) and praying for things to get back to normal.

Now, here I am...6 months at my new job.

Crazy how life comes at you like this, take all your expectations and twists them around. Plants you in a new place, fertile soil, and you realize you've never truly tasted life before. It's invigorating to put it simply.

I've had the pleasure of interviewing state officials, covering the NCAA tournament, preparing to travel all over the country and even out of the country, and somewhere in the process met someone that I unabashedly, unapologetically, and quite unexpectedly love.

Basically...things have changed...and that's exciting. So here's to 6 months at a job I love and more words to come.

An ode to my first home.

Humble beginnings, man I tell ya.

For me, moving into my first "home" or at least my first apartment was a big step. I've spent my entire life surrounded by people at basically all parts of my life and now, for a little over a year, I've been alone.

This weekend was one of the most stressful and emotional times I've experienced while living here. Who knew being alone could be so painful and lonely? Not me.

I've lived the majority of my life moving around, making new friends, and for some reason, I thought this move would be just like all the rest, a standard, pick up and go. I understood at my core that I wouldn't know anyone in the area, that it would basically be college all over again, but this was different than college all over again, because in college we're all alone, we're all starting somewhere new and while some of us came in with friends, many of us didn't know that many and we were all wide open for new people to invade our most private and precious spaces.

It's different now.

This home will be one of the hardest things to leave once it's time to go. Sure, it's a tiny one bedroom apartment, but it's my first place where I had to struggle with some inconvenient truths, like the fact that there is a whole lot of month when you're in your first job. That sometimes, the best thing you can do is sit on a couch and cry. That painting can be very therapeutic…and so can cooking when it comes out right.

In this apartment, I got a full grasp of the kindness of others. At least 2/3 of the things that are in my apartment were given to me and while the walls may be bare, the love that fills this place does so much more. In this apartment, I've had people come, pour out their hearts and grow close to one another, it's here that I truly learned compassion, it's here that I truly experienced transparency.

It was here that I cried out to God, screamed about life, fought with Him about what I believed and why I was here. Tried to uncover what I truly cared about and what I thought was right. It was here that He met me and taught me so much more about love and acceptance, mercy and faith. It was here that I recommitted, here that I sat and read my Bible and journaled. It was here that I changed.

This small tender space has seen me grow in ways that others couldn't. It's watched me learn how to organize my bills, clean, play guitar, and learn to live without…and to be content in that.

Home sweet home.

In my short 23 years of life, I've been unsure of many things. I wasn't positive that I would be able to do this, but I knew that I didn't have a choice and that when it came down to it, I would have to buck up and face the situations given to me. Moving to Panama City Beach with a laptop, a suitcase full of clothes, and an air mattress was one of the boldest moves of my life. It had one guarantee: an opportunity to follow my dream, but nothing else. It did not promise me friends that would be like family, it didn't promise me happiness, it didn't promise me fulfillment, it promised a chance…so I took it.

And for that Panama City Beach will always have a piece of my heart.

#6wordpoems: there is beauty in being succinct

Last night, writer/poet/rapper/producer/teacher/amaze-balls-man (my personal opinion) Rafael Casal issued a challenge to his followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook and Instagram.

Write a 6 word poem.

Some people wrote phrases, made jokes, others really got to the heart of things. I decided I wanted to contribute as well.

"I am where He wants me." That was my 6 word poem and as I hit send it struck me how meaningful that phrase was to my life because it wasn't just a few words that made a good little poem, but it was a mentality that would be able to hold me afloat until it's time to move on to the next thing.

I am where He wants me.

The first time I heard the phrase was from my grandfather, it stuck with me. The idea that while I may not be completely happy with where I am, there was a reason that I wasn't moving, there was something I was supposed to be getting out of this. 

Graduating from college and not getting a job that I wanted for 9 months was a struggle for me. I debated quitting, going back into retail, or switching from a position in front of the camera to one behind it - and truthfully there was nothing wrong with any of those options had I ended up going with them, but there was a reason that I had to take some time to get to where I wanted while some of my friends seemed to get scooped up into their dream jobs much faster than I ever dreamed.

I am where He wants me.

It's a hard phrase to really live out sometimes. It's something I've gotten into the habit of saying whenever I get anxious about where I am or start to feel some pangs of jealousy that I'm not at my next thing yet. I've always been a bit preoccupied with my future and this phrase forces me to stop trying to envision what it is to come and focus on where I am now.

One of my close friends and I were having a conversation recently and he brought up being unhappy at his job - however, he wasn't unhappy because the job itself was bad, he was unhappy because of the attitude of his coworkers and management:

It's so metric driven and everyone is working for the next role, not to make sure the role they are in now is self-sustaining.

It was an interesting observation in a field that was completely the opposite of my own though we faced the same problems. It made me wonder what would happen if everyone stopped and made the decision to be the best at their current position, understanding that once they mastered it, they would have the ability to move on to something new, but in that moment, in that day, in that month, in that year - focus on doing the best they possibly could with what they had right then.

It really was a way of mastering the phrase in my work place. Now, I'm learning - slowly but surely - to live out this 6 word poem in every part of my life.

What are some 6 word poems, or really any phrases, that you found are good to live by? Leave 'em here!

Good, Bad, Ugly: How do you adult?

I've had an amazing March. I've seen family and friends, went on vacation, ate good food for free, had some awkward and hilarious encounters, and got some amazeballs gear...but I also got some insight.

This month (like almost every month since graduating college) has re-taught me multiple lessons. Things that I thought I had mastered, I saw turned on their head which in turn made me have to react a bit differently.

One of my closest friends since graduation made her way to PCB this weekend and we had a long chat with one of our mutual reporter friends about how difficult the transition to adult life is.

"I mean, how do you adult?" DP said while we laughed over wine and beer.

It's a question we ended up mulling over for a couple hours, at first complaining about how little we truly knew about being an adult, then blaming our parents for not telling us more than "you better enjoy your youth while you have it" and how college would be the "best four years of our life," finally we came to an agreement that it's just something that you grow into, though some of us were doing better than others.