Good, Bad, Ugly: How do you adult?

I've had an amazing March. I've seen family and friends, went on vacation, ate good food for free, had some awkward and hilarious encounters, and got some amazeballs gear...but I also got some insight.

This month (like almost every month since graduating college) has re-taught me multiple lessons. Things that I thought I had mastered, I saw turned on their head which in turn made me have to react a bit differently.

One of my closest friends since graduation made her way to PCB this weekend and we had a long chat with one of our mutual reporter friends about how difficult the transition to adult life is.

"I mean, how do you adult?" DP said while we laughed over wine and beer.

It's a question we ended up mulling over for a couple hours, at first complaining about how little we truly knew about being an adult, then blaming our parents for not telling us more than "you better enjoy your youth while you have it" and how college would be the "best four years of our life," finally we came to an agreement that it's just something that you grow into, though some of us were doing better than others.

The Art of Letting Go

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

When it comes down to the scariest thing about Christianity, it is--for me--trusting God.

More so than cutting off certain things from my life, more than any limitations that some say my beliefs may thrust on me, the scariest thing is trusting God.

I have an incredibly hard time fully trusting people that I can see, so you can imagine the aggravation of trusting something that I cannot physically see in front of me. Is God good? Yes, he would never do anything to hurt me that wasn't for my greater good-I've dealt with enough shaky situations to say that I can go along with this thinking. Do I believe that God has all control over everything? That he really and truly has his eye on everything happening in the world? Absolutely.

Do some people think I'm ridiculous for thinking that? Of course, but that's them.

The problem I have with trusting God is my desire to have control. I know that I can't control everything in my life, but if I could just get this situation fixed on my own terms, in my own way, I'd be happier. In a way, it's a snub at God. It's me saying, God I know you said you'd do this a certain way, in your time and that things would work out for my good--but I'm sure that my way is better. My way will get me where I want to be faster and it will be more fun or more economical or just have a better outcome for me in general.

What I've found is that I've been wrong. I've found that in the situations where I grab the reins and try to take control sometimes work out fine, but they could have been better. My pride gets in the way, my impatience gets in the way, my anger, my emotions--all of them get in the way of me doing or getting the best thing possible.

Whether it is for my career, my romantic life, my family situations, my friendships, if I try to manipulate them to work in my favor, things tend to go sour.

I'm still learning what it means to let go of a situation and let God take control of it. There is no handbook for "laying something down at the foot of the cross"...there's this idea of what it means though. To pray about it, to wait for some sort of confirmation, to read the Bible, to get people that have the same priorities thoughts on it, but when do you stop worrying? When do the thoughts come to a still? Is that the point where you know you've given it to God? If so, where does it start?

It's a difficult situation. How do you let the cards fall where they may? What does giving something to God really look like? Does it mean I don't care about it anymore? Does it mean I sit back and just...ride it out?

It's a complicated situation and I look forward to getting the answers.

Illusions of Grandeur

"My refusal to settle for something lesser but more immediate is, to say the least, a huge inconvenience for me right now. But I have to believe what I'm working toward will be worth it in the end." - Amy

I had to let those words resonate this morning…and really every morning for the past few weeks.

I must say I am incredibly grateful for the people God has placed in my life over the past month. I know in my heart that these individuals will be the ones that I truly consider my friends while I spend my time here in Panama City Beach. I have found people that I have things in common with from our career goals to our experiences in life--and it's great to have someone who can relate.

I never thought that I'd be married in my early 20s. Growing up, I told myself, even in middle school, that I would start my career and that I wouldn't be willing to settle down and get married until I had my own life figured out; that I wouldn't let my life end up being completely dominated by some love interest who may be amazing, but would strip me of my ability to create the life I want because I would need to pack up and move to be with him should his position change.

Listen. I grew up in a military family and didn't go to the same school 2 years in a row until I got to high school…my view of things is a tad bit different than others my age.

That being said, as I've grown older, I have found myself wanting to compromise on this.

Maybe it's the incredible amount of friends that are in serious relationships--and by serious I don't mean oh they've been dating awhile, I mean, oh they're engaged.

I feel a bit behind the learning curve on relationships. In my 23 years, I've never had a long term relationship, I don't believe I've ever truly been in love though I can say that I've been dragged around in the dregs of infatuation and lust. I'm not upset about this. It's just been a learning experience. By this time in their lives, my older sister, mother, grandmother and plenty other women in my family already knew who their final mate would be and while I know my personal life has been a different kind of beast than their own, it does cause me to look inside myself to try and figure out just where I went wrong on an emotional conquest.

While Amy's quote probably had little to do with love or relationships, as I've cycled through the motions in the past year and 4 months since graduating from college, I find myself thinking about what it is that I want. I find it funny that I can hold this mentality so strongly when it comes to my career or things that I know I can negotiate and change without the help of others, but it's when you throw in the kink that makes a situation dependent on a second party things tend to get messy. Do I want to settle for something now although I know in my heart that there is something greater out there for me? Do I have the patience necessary to make it to that greater thing? Or will jealousy and desire consume me and cause me to settle for something I don't want out of desperation?