#6wordpoems: there is beauty in being succinct

Last night, writer/poet/rapper/producer/teacher/amaze-balls-man (my personal opinion) Rafael Casal issued a challenge to his followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook and Instagram.

Write a 6 word poem.

Some people wrote phrases, made jokes, others really got to the heart of things. I decided I wanted to contribute as well.

"I am where He wants me." That was my 6 word poem and as I hit send it struck me how meaningful that phrase was to my life because it wasn't just a few words that made a good little poem, but it was a mentality that would be able to hold me afloat until it's time to move on to the next thing.

I am where He wants me.

The first time I heard the phrase was from my grandfather, it stuck with me. The idea that while I may not be completely happy with where I am, there was a reason that I wasn't moving, there was something I was supposed to be getting out of this. 

Graduating from college and not getting a job that I wanted for 9 months was a struggle for me. I debated quitting, going back into retail, or switching from a position in front of the camera to one behind it - and truthfully there was nothing wrong with any of those options had I ended up going with them, but there was a reason that I had to take some time to get to where I wanted while some of my friends seemed to get scooped up into their dream jobs much faster than I ever dreamed.

I am where He wants me.

It's a hard phrase to really live out sometimes. It's something I've gotten into the habit of saying whenever I get anxious about where I am or start to feel some pangs of jealousy that I'm not at my next thing yet. I've always been a bit preoccupied with my future and this phrase forces me to stop trying to envision what it is to come and focus on where I am now.

One of my close friends and I were having a conversation recently and he brought up being unhappy at his job - however, he wasn't unhappy because the job itself was bad, he was unhappy because of the attitude of his coworkers and management:

It's so metric driven and everyone is working for the next role, not to make sure the role they are in now is self-sustaining.

It was an interesting observation in a field that was completely the opposite of my own though we faced the same problems. It made me wonder what would happen if everyone stopped and made the decision to be the best at their current position, understanding that once they mastered it, they would have the ability to move on to something new, but in that moment, in that day, in that month, in that year - focus on doing the best they possibly could with what they had right then.

It really was a way of mastering the phrase in my work place. Now, I'm learning - slowly but surely - to live out this 6 word poem in every part of my life.

What are some 6 word poems, or really any phrases, that you found are good to live by? Leave 'em here!

Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.