Troubleshooting

There are days when everything is going right, like - absolutely, freaking perfect...couldn't be better...and then boom. Something happens that just sets you off, and it could be the tiniest thing and suddenly your perfect day is the worst day ever.

We're just fickle like that.

Anyway, today has been really good.

• I did something I hated (spin class) and came out victorious, didn't even have any pain in my rear until about an hour ago! Whoop, my body is learning. 
• I finished one book yesterday (How to Be Single // Liz Tuccillo: don't judge me, I just happened to find it in a pile of books while moving some of my junk and decided to read it...it was...pleasant I suppose, but a quick read - SHEESH.)
• I picked 3 new books to read: The Red Tent // Anita Diamant, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society // Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows, and Walking with the Wind: A Memoir of the Movement // John Lewis (super excited to read this one!!)
• I got a Goodreads account - finally.
• I got paaaaaaid...
• ...which means I started my saving plan! (ie. taking out a set amount of cash to last me the next 2 weeks - hope it's enough - and then leave my debit card far, far away so I will value the little bit of money I have and save up.)

So all in all, it was a good day, nothing necessarily spectacular, but definitely a good enough day for me to come home with a smile on my face ready to relax at home.

But then I got home, and my Apple TV wasn't working for the second or third day in a row. It won't connect to my iTunes or to the internet so I'm practically distraught because I can't watch anything on TV because I got rid of cable in 2012.  For the record, I'm not complaining about that, that was definitely one of my better decisions of the year.

Anyway, that goes to show you, it's the little things that get you. 

I was ready to throw a fit after multiple things that I tried to do didn't fix the stupid little box that allows me to watch all the shows I miss because I got rid of cable to have a cheaper bill. So, in order to get my priorities in line I came here so I could look at all the things that made me happy today in list format...things that I could just stew on and think about because being upset with my AppleTV isn't going to fix it...I don't know what will, but what I DO know is that the time I just spent sucking my teeth and rolling my eyes and stomping my feet would have been much better used curled up in a book.

Or next to my computer watching whatever I can't watch on there right here on Hulu.

Small miracles, y'all.

Thanks for listening.

It's been awhile

So much for regular posting, eh? Haha.

The past few weeks have been hard. I have fallen hard for someone, learned many things I didn't want to know, grew up a little bit, heard Michelle Obama speak, felt far away from God, heard Paul Ryan speak, did some stupid things, met some amazing people, got drunk, cried, screamed, covered an election night, saw my president get re-elected, and woke up.

I woke up with a lot on my mind and then I was reminded of how far away I've felt.

Tu crees en dios pero haces mal cosas...

Reading that feels like it's something that happens too often. I find myself sitting here on my bed, feet falling asleep as they hang off the edge from my awkward position, feeling convicted. How many bad things have I done since the last time I told God he was the only thing I wanted?

My brain is frazzled as I look back on nights that I spent pining for the touch of someone rather than praying for closeness to God, wishing for something bigger and better, believing that the things that I want or the things that I hold dear were more important than my salvation. Screaming. Cursing. Hating. Letting myself boil over until there was almost nothing good left in me.

I have fallen away.

Illusions of Grandeur

"My refusal to settle for something lesser but more immediate is, to say the least, a huge inconvenience for me right now. But I have to believe what I'm working toward will be worth it in the end." - Amy

I had to let those words resonate this morning…and really every morning for the past few weeks.

I must say I am incredibly grateful for the people God has placed in my life over the past month. I know in my heart that these individuals will be the ones that I truly consider my friends while I spend my time here in Panama City Beach. I have found people that I have things in common with from our career goals to our experiences in life--and it's great to have someone who can relate.

I never thought that I'd be married in my early 20s. Growing up, I told myself, even in middle school, that I would start my career and that I wouldn't be willing to settle down and get married until I had my own life figured out; that I wouldn't let my life end up being completely dominated by some love interest who may be amazing, but would strip me of my ability to create the life I want because I would need to pack up and move to be with him should his position change.

Listen. I grew up in a military family and didn't go to the same school 2 years in a row until I got to high school…my view of things is a tad bit different than others my age.

That being said, as I've grown older, I have found myself wanting to compromise on this.

Maybe it's the incredible amount of friends that are in serious relationships--and by serious I don't mean oh they've been dating awhile, I mean, oh they're engaged.

I feel a bit behind the learning curve on relationships. In my 23 years, I've never had a long term relationship, I don't believe I've ever truly been in love though I can say that I've been dragged around in the dregs of infatuation and lust. I'm not upset about this. It's just been a learning experience. By this time in their lives, my older sister, mother, grandmother and plenty other women in my family already knew who their final mate would be and while I know my personal life has been a different kind of beast than their own, it does cause me to look inside myself to try and figure out just where I went wrong on an emotional conquest.

While Amy's quote probably had little to do with love or relationships, as I've cycled through the motions in the past year and 4 months since graduating from college, I find myself thinking about what it is that I want. I find it funny that I can hold this mentality so strongly when it comes to my career or things that I know I can negotiate and change without the help of others, but it's when you throw in the kink that makes a situation dependent on a second party things tend to get messy. Do I want to settle for something now although I know in my heart that there is something greater out there for me? Do I have the patience necessary to make it to that greater thing? Or will jealousy and desire consume me and cause me to settle for something I don't want out of desperation?

My Big One

They say you get to know yourself when you're in college...and I have found that that is a big, fat lie. Why? Because in college your social interactions are decided by the group that you're with, for example, if your friends are hip-hop heads you'll probably find yourself either learning more about music or maybe seeing more concerts, getting deeper and deeper in that culture which might bring you out to open mics which might get you into other random things and then BAM...you're having this realization that you've been in the dark all your life and that spoken word has been your calling for ever...or whatever your big *wham* moment is.

But you don't really get to know yourself until you get out of college and you're on your own in a city where you know no one. Where you're totally fending for yourself and literally only have your career to keep you warm at night--I mean, how else will you pay the bills, right? Right. 

If there was one thing that I wish they taught you in high school or college, it would be making friends in the adult world. Sure, if you live in a big city, it's easy. There's a ridiculous amount of young people in these sprawling cities or college towns, but when you're in a teensy tiny town in the Panhandle, it gets to be a bit more difficult to make friendly with people who have been in the same place their entire life.

...and that's how things are right now.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy where I am. There's plenty of pretty things to see and for the most part the people that I've encountered are great, but I miss college. I miss having people in their 20s that I could relate to, that I could be close to...and that just hasn't happened.

The problem with being a reporter is that you never really get to lay roots down anywhere when you're just beginning, unless you want to stay in your first job forever. I could never see myself staying where I am right now...many of the people who have been here have been here their entire lives and I have no idea how they can manage to be content...yet, they are...not only are they content, but they have their groups, their exclusive partnerships that are impossible to break through and yet I'm still trying.

I don't know what the point of this post is, but I guess I just want to remember today, when I, Ashley decided that I had enough with being pathetic and being sad and alone. The day I got tired of trying to break through people's walls and said maybe it's time that I face my fear of being alone and stop pushing for superficial friendships to sustain me, but learn how to sustain myself.

So yes...that's the point of this post. August 10, 2012. The day I became free.