Put in the effort.

Every once in a while I get one of these inspirational emails from Danielle LaPorte.

Although the advice is usually basic knowledge that I could get from anyone, I appreciate the timeliness of her random bits of wisdom.

There's this thought process that seems to permeate our culture that once you follow your intuition, determine what it is that your soul-calling may be, that everything just falls into place. Once you get it, you're supposed to just be able to get it - whatever that it may be. Whether it's realizing your purpose and going for a specific job or however your intuition seems to communicate with you, there's this expectation that realizing your thing should mean it's guaranteed to happen.

Life As Usual

The past year has been quite the journey.

December 9, 2011, I sent the email that would change my life and begin my career as a reporter. Since then, I've packed up my car, moved to a new city, met amazing people, challenged myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially while pushing myself to new boundaries mentally.

It has been tiring, exhilarating, hilarious and amazing...and now I'm sitting here waiting for what comes next. I know in my heart that this month has a lot in store for me, there is the potential for a lot of change to occur in the next 3 weeks and I'm terrified but absolutely looking forward to what it could mean.

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I've had the nickname "Gimpy" for the past week after spraining my ankle and busting up my knee while going for a run (I wish I had a better story for my injuries, but alas, it was not meant to be) last Saturday. This comes at the heels of a possible move to a new opportunity - ie. the worst possible time to ever be injured. In addition to that, having a job that requires lugging around a camera and a tripod means that being on crutches is out the question if I intend to actually make any money, so it goes without saying that this week has been interesting, especially when fueled by pain medication.

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I've recently been paying more attention to the emails I receive, especially from Danielle LaPorte. Recently she launched this thing called The Desire Map. I went to her site to read up on it a bit more and saw this:

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays - your life?

It got me thinking. Danielle's email talked about how she stopped pursuing goals and started pursuing her feelings - something that was recently plaguing my own mind. I've been feeling unfulfilled though I know I'm doing something that I've wanted all my life. On Facebook, I put up a status quoting Alain de Botton from an article on BrainPickings:

We suck in messages from everything from the television to advertising to marketing, etcetera. These are hugely powerful forces that define what we want and how we view ourselves. What I want to argue is not the we should give up on our ideas of success but that we should make sure that they are our own. We should focus in on our ideas and make sure that we own them, that we're truly the authors of our own ambitions. Because it's bad enough not getting what you want, but it's even worse to have an idea of what it is you want and find out at the end of the journey that it isn't, in fact, what you wanted all along.

It's odd how other people's words can really click with what's going on in your own mind, so I've decided to pursue my feelings fully, to pay attention to what it is that I really, truly want and then do what gives me that. What do I want to feel? It's not enough to say I want to be happy, what does happiness look like to me? What do I do that makes me feel complete? What do I do that makes me laugh, enjoy life - those are the things worth pursuing.

Giving makes me feel good, reading, watching movies, learning new songs, eating healthy, working out, talking to people about their own lives - all things that make me happy and all things that I can do. Even in my career as a reporter, I can use that as an avenue to give to people, to learn about them and help them move forward.

These messages were like a divine intervention that said, your passion doesn't have to exclude what you do in your day to day life - they can match.

Now comes the fun part of making it happen.

It's been awhile

So much for regular posting, eh? Haha.

The past few weeks have been hard. I have fallen hard for someone, learned many things I didn't want to know, grew up a little bit, heard Michelle Obama speak, felt far away from God, heard Paul Ryan speak, did some stupid things, met some amazing people, got drunk, cried, screamed, covered an election night, saw my president get re-elected, and woke up.

I woke up with a lot on my mind and then I was reminded of how far away I've felt.

Tu crees en dios pero haces mal cosas...

Reading that feels like it's something that happens too often. I find myself sitting here on my bed, feet falling asleep as they hang off the edge from my awkward position, feeling convicted. How many bad things have I done since the last time I told God he was the only thing I wanted?

My brain is frazzled as I look back on nights that I spent pining for the touch of someone rather than praying for closeness to God, wishing for something bigger and better, believing that the things that I want or the things that I hold dear were more important than my salvation. Screaming. Cursing. Hating. Letting myself boil over until there was almost nothing good left in me.

I have fallen away.

#30 Write Now

October feels like a fresh start, so I decided to kick off this month doing something a bit different, a writing challenge. The rules are simple, write everyday for 30 minutes, don't worry about grammar - just write. If you get stuck, there are prompts issued the night before, but if not, then just....write. Right now.

Today's prompt: Courage.

I don't want to talk about courage, it's a trait that generally speaking, I wouldn't say that I possess. I'm not a bad person, I have no problem speaking my mind, but I characterize myself more along the lines of impetuous rather than courageous.

Some might say that I have bits and pieces of courage flowing through me, but I think that my courage is something that is only there in certain circumstances. For example, being courageous while I'm out and about is easy. Talking to people is one of the few things I've never struggled with, not talking to women and trying to form friendships, not flirting with men, not going in for interviews - in that way I am "courageous," but when it comes to things that I think I should be more courageous about, I shirk away from the responsibility, flee from the potential to fail; hardly courageous to say the least.

I want to be courageous about my beliefs. I want to be willing to change my life and go full force, to take all the time necessary to study out who I am and whose I am. Truly dedicate my mornings to reading, praying, worshipping - having a life that is worship, not just a "quiet" time and my Sunday mornings or my small groups.

I want to understand.

So this morning I started a plan, it should take about 6 months, but the point of it is to really go deep, learn more, be consistent, think about what I'm reading and what it means for me and my life, respond to it, let it mold me.

I've struggled for years with the idea of knowing my true identity. I would say it's an oddly courageous undertaking to try and figure myself out, properly. A friend sent me a tweet today, "Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will continue to look for more." While the thought behind it was more geared towards self-worth, I find it difficult to have a true understanding of what you deserve if you don't know who you are. How will I know that I am enough if I don't know myself?

Interesting question.

A thought that was brought up in a sermon that I watched last week delved a bit deeper into that thought. The idea that it's not just about believing in Jesus, it was just as important to believe Jesus...do you know what I mean? It's not just about saying, Jesus died on a cross for me and He loves me, it's also saying I am worth dying for...and believing it.

I spent my day thinking about the different things that I hope to learn over the course of the next 6 months about myself and my identity in God, but also just with knowing more about God and his character. What he says about me, what he says about the world, what he says about life - it all seems and sounds so abstract and random, but is it really? Aren't we all kinda searching around for our own purpose?

The problem with this whole, "write for 30 minutes" thing is that I have a tendency to ramble on and on hoping that my thoughts will come to be some sort of...traceable piece of content. That when I read it (or someone else reads it) that it makes sense, so I guess I should make it clear again.

I plan to use the next 6 months to do something courageous - get to know myself and find my true identity. The next 6 months my life will be making a drastic change and I'm excited about it. I believe, sincerely, that once someone has an encounter with God, their lives are never the same. I want to get close to God, I want to feel His presence around me, I want that for my life. I think that adding that to my life will bring me peace, better relationships with family and friends, as well as more control over my reactions to things. I know I won't be perfect, I know I won't necessarily turn into Mrs. Proverbs 31 - and frankly, I don't know if I want to...but I do know that I will grow in ways that I haven't seen before, that I will be able to expand my mental horizons almost as much as I've been expanding my healthy horizons, and I can't wait. The thought of knowing myself fully is overwhelming. The concept of seeing myself as GOD sees me is amazing, but I can't compose myself when I imagine just how much better my life will be.

I can't wait to see me as I am supposed to see me.

Choosing Happiness

I haven't written here in a month.

There's a reason for that. I'm sure of it, but at this point trying to find the words that actually go along with that reason is a task that is far beyond my ability.

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions and after last night's debacle, I knew that it was time for me to get back to what I knew best--writing it out. Taking time to reflect on all the mistakes that were made over the course of the past month and just...figure out the next step.

See, for me writing isn't just a form of letting ideas out, it is my form of therapy. I stopped writing at one point and thought that I would be fine, but for someone like myself who has a tendency to obsess over the past, having a written record is really the best thing to possess to avoid mentally recreating things that just...aren't real.

When I logged into my blog to write this post, sitting at the top of the list was an empty draft for a post titled Choosing Happiness...precisely what I needed to see and what I need to do. The past 48 hours have been nothing but me moping around on the brink of emotional breakdown because of doing what I have always done: be an impetuous, hopeful romantic...and because of that choice, I had found myself drowning in a sea of stupid, negative thoughts that I just couldn't seem to get out of.

Enter Mr. Flowers from stage left...

Not to romanticize my friends, but talk about a knight in shining armor. Armed with a hook (emblazoned with the words common sense on its side) he grabbed me out of this disgusting pool of self pity by talking to me and helping me see things from a different perspective. While there was much talk of me putting on my "big girl pants" there was also some deeper talk that was necessary beyond his own knowledge, I'm sure.

Bottom line: Sometimes you need someone to remind you why you need to choose happiness and why you deserve happiness.

Moving forward...today I am choosing happiness and every day from here on out I will do the same. I will wake up and make an active choice, a real decision, to choose to be happy, to appreciate my unique experiences here--the good, the bad, and the atrocious, because ugly simply doesn't give it justice. While I may never drop my impetuous ways, I certainly know where I can allow them to prosper and breathe and where I will put them on the back burner for the sake of my own sanity.

Today, I choose happiness...I will make today the best September 30, 2012 it could possibly be...because you don't get to do it over, you just have to live with what you're given and make the most of every single opportunity that you've been afforded.

On Growing Up & Being Present

Monday was my Little One's first day of high school…I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My sister and I have 8 years between us and I think the scariest part of having that big of a gap between us is my constant thinking of her as the little one. 

If you compare the two of us, we're remarkably different. Growing up, I naturally excelled at my academics and was considered a social butterfly. My sister didn't have those same qualities.

I guess I attribute my attitude towards learning and towards social activity to how I was raised. I was used to moving a lot, being forced to shift according to my new circles of friends from a young age, I never complained about it. I would find my escape in reading, I hated going outside.

The Little One though, she loves being outside. Loves playing sports, loves sweating, but didn't have the same love of reading until recently. In fact it wasn't until the past year or so that she realized that life was much easier if she took the time to do her homework. Socially speaking, she has struggled, but is finally coming into her own and I am so proud.

I spoke to her on the phone after her first day ready to get the run down, to come to her aid, offer encouragement if she needed it, but instead I was greeted with something very different.

"Aren't you excited that your little sister is growing up?"

Honestly, I wasn't. Hearing those words actually caused my eyes to water a bit. It was a reminder that she was going to grow up, that she was going to get her heart broken by some idiot at some point, that one day she will lose her virginity, that one day she will get drunk, and one day she might get high and I won't know what to do, how to comfort her, what I should do.

I think of the relationship that I have with my older sister. Calling her that fateful day in tears, crying because I knew I had made the wrong choice…and having her be there for me. I remember days out with her in New York, getting drinks, having fun, dancing around and loving being around her and I worry that Little One and I might not have as close of a relationship as we should.

I'm not ready for her to grow up.
I'm not ready for her to get hurt.
I'm not ready for her to drive my car.
I'm not ready for her to go to prom in a gown.

I'm not ready for life to happen like this, I'm just getting accustomed to being on my own, the thought of her being on her own in just a few years scares me. I'm not excited that my little sister is growing up, and I told her. I told her that she was going to make me cry and she laughed nervously and apologized, then remarked smartly, "…but you know I'm always going to be a little kid to you. I mean, that's what happens when there's 8 years between two sisters."

And in that moment everything was okay…but just for that moment. My little, precious, annoying, ridiculous sister is growing up. She is officially a high school student with semesters instead of a year round schedule. She's taking courses that deal with career management and algebra and science and business and I'm too far away to guide her through all the trials and tribulations of those hallways.

What can I do from 11 hours away? What happens when my family moves farther away? What about when I move? And then it hits me right in the face: the same things my big sister did.

Be there. If not physically, through prayer, through conversation. When she calls, answer. When she texts, respond. If she emails, write back. All I can do is be there.

Friday Photo: On Finding Your Personal Heaven

Whenever I'm seeking peace, whenever I need to take the time to look around me and feel peace despite whatever I'm going through, I go to the beach.

I've been blessed to work in paradise. I mean, there's no other way to describe where I live, work and play. I'm constantly driving between Panama City Beach, Destin, Port St. Joe, Mexico Beach, Apalachicola…a bunch of places that are all within an hour or so from me and they all have their own little bits of heaven in them.

I can say without a doubt that I feel closest to God when I'm by the ocean. There's something about how huge it is. I mean…it goes on forever, no matter where you're standing, even when you reach a coast, all you have to do is turn around and see that you're completely surrounded by water.

Those thoughts always knock me right back down to size when I start to feel a little bit too self-righteous. I just look around and it's an instant slap in the face of how humble I should be when I consider just how amazing and awesome everything else is.

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances." -Mahatma Gandhi

There's no profound nature to this picture, it just captures the essence of what I need. I was driving to story to watch a sea turtle be released in Port St. Joe and I couldn't stop being staring out my window (obviously not my smartest/safest choice…but that's neither here nor there).

Eventually I pulled over so I could take a picture of what I saw. It was the perfect capture of everlasting peace. There's something about the sound of water lapping at your feet, a slight breeze to your face that rustles your hair and the overwhelming silence of distractions. No computers, no chattering people, no pings from iNews, no yelling…just quiet.

My personal heaven.

Illusions of Grandeur

"My refusal to settle for something lesser but more immediate is, to say the least, a huge inconvenience for me right now. But I have to believe what I'm working toward will be worth it in the end." - Amy

I had to let those words resonate this morning…and really every morning for the past few weeks.

I must say I am incredibly grateful for the people God has placed in my life over the past month. I know in my heart that these individuals will be the ones that I truly consider my friends while I spend my time here in Panama City Beach. I have found people that I have things in common with from our career goals to our experiences in life--and it's great to have someone who can relate.

I never thought that I'd be married in my early 20s. Growing up, I told myself, even in middle school, that I would start my career and that I wouldn't be willing to settle down and get married until I had my own life figured out; that I wouldn't let my life end up being completely dominated by some love interest who may be amazing, but would strip me of my ability to create the life I want because I would need to pack up and move to be with him should his position change.

Listen. I grew up in a military family and didn't go to the same school 2 years in a row until I got to high school…my view of things is a tad bit different than others my age.

That being said, as I've grown older, I have found myself wanting to compromise on this.

Maybe it's the incredible amount of friends that are in serious relationships--and by serious I don't mean oh they've been dating awhile, I mean, oh they're engaged.

I feel a bit behind the learning curve on relationships. In my 23 years, I've never had a long term relationship, I don't believe I've ever truly been in love though I can say that I've been dragged around in the dregs of infatuation and lust. I'm not upset about this. It's just been a learning experience. By this time in their lives, my older sister, mother, grandmother and plenty other women in my family already knew who their final mate would be and while I know my personal life has been a different kind of beast than their own, it does cause me to look inside myself to try and figure out just where I went wrong on an emotional conquest.

While Amy's quote probably had little to do with love or relationships, as I've cycled through the motions in the past year and 4 months since graduating from college, I find myself thinking about what it is that I want. I find it funny that I can hold this mentality so strongly when it comes to my career or things that I know I can negotiate and change without the help of others, but it's when you throw in the kink that makes a situation dependent on a second party things tend to get messy. Do I want to settle for something now although I know in my heart that there is something greater out there for me? Do I have the patience necessary to make it to that greater thing? Or will jealousy and desire consume me and cause me to settle for something I don't want out of desperation?

From Prison, With Love

In case you wanted to read the letter from my inmate in it's entirety, here it is. I am typing this letter precisely as it is in front of me. All spelling, punctuation, everything is all him. Please remember: this letter is long.

August 12, 2012

Dear Ms. Arnold,

First and foremost…in bringing the writing of this missive for your consideration this writer does so with all due respect and genuine intention, thereby harboring hope that you will not consider this letter an irritant or insolent imposition. Undoubtedly, receiving correspondence from an incarcerated person is utterly and completely foreign to you. Nonetheless, in receiving this letter from an incarcerated person, there is absolutely no reason to even remotely entertain fear, alarm, apprehension, or an avalanche of concern. I am not some predatory threat or evil lurking on the horizon, not by any stretch of the imagination could this writer be any kind of threat to you or anyone else.

Dear 23

Yesterday I turned 23 and I will say that it was a fantastically lowkey day for me overall, however I did some very good things.

1. Officially got a license with my current address…
1b. …which means that I can vote here once the big election comes.

2. Saw my awesome friend Brit and had a long talk about God, our relationships, and my feelings on this place...and it was so insightful.

3. Got some great drinks…all for free, of course. (I mean hello it was my birthday.)

4. Decided to become pescetarian…for the year.

Clearly number 4 is the game changer. So how will I do this? Well, the intent is to do this gradually. I started my birthday the healthiest I've ever done it by making smoothies for the first time.

So after drinking that (and it was pretty amazing) I decided that I could do this and made the big choice to eat my last steak for next year on my birthday. The ultimate plan is to drop beef and pork out of my diet by the end of the month and then get rid of chicken by early October and stick to fish from there on out…I'm actually REALLY excited…but a quick snapshot of this last memory with my steak…

HOW I ALREADY MISS YOU DARLING.

Celebration Time

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.

While I haven't had an official celebration, nor do I have anything really planned out to celebrate, the last couple days have been really nice, honestly, the last week has been nothing short of completely relaxing and amazing. I watched my friend get married, saw a bunch of my old friends from school, had my best live shot ever, had a great dinner out with my coworkers and this morning was at church from 7:15 to around 12:45…and I was completely content performing in Kids Church--it was a blast.

Today was my first real taste of satisfaction in a long time…truly feeling happy with where I am, what I'm doing, truly feeling like I'm fulfilling my purpose and realizing that being myself is great, not trying to fit the mold that others have for me is perfectly fine.

This small revelation actually means a lot. I guess I really let what I wrote yesterday sink in.

Whoop dee doo.
I guess 23 will be a good year for me.