Get Lucky

This past week has been a blur of good decision making fun times with friends and tons - I mean tons - of good deals for me. I don't know how I've managed to have such good fortune as of late, but considering how different things were just over a week ago, I'm extra grateful and completely aware of how fast things can change in a small amount of time.

For example, on June 1st, I was pretty sure my life couldn't get much worse. I thought my story for my job had fallen through, had no idea where to go, then I found out that my apartment complex double charged me rent on top of other financial things that I had coming up and I wasn't getting paid until the coming Friday. In hindsight, which is always 20/20, I realize that while my anger/confusion was completely justified, it certainly wasn't the complete end of the world.

Then after making some very rational choices and finally calling for help (something I've always struggled with) things got better and then things got to be the best they could be with the entire situation being resolved without my bank account being cleared out.

Praise.

So, what else has been up? Well, Wednesday comes my oh-so-looking-forward-to-this-trip drive to Manchester, TN for my second go round at Bonnaroo, but because I'm on this whole let's be a grown up thing, I decided it was a good idea to get my car checked out.

Oh hey new expenses, what up?

It's almost time for an oil change, my air filter is considerably darker than it should be (and that's putting it lightly) and lo and behold, 3 of my tires are from 2008 - read as: you need to buy new tires because these ones probably won't be able to make the trip.

So now what? Well, since bargain hunting has turned into a thing for me, I went to work - and boy, oh boy, I got lucky. Long story short, I saved a bundle. Like...hundreds...saved...oh, glory. GLOR-RAY.

Anyway, this is a good news report for me and a reminder that so much can change in a short period of time. So often we get caught up in the right here, right now, we tend to never think about whether or not this thing no matter how big or small will matter in a month.

That being said, happy Monday - I'm saving money and I have a short work week! I'll try to post pictures from Bonnaroo throughout the week, but if I can't be sure to check out my Instagram for shots throughout the festival!

Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.

#30 Write Now

October feels like a fresh start, so I decided to kick off this month doing something a bit different, a writing challenge. The rules are simple, write everyday for 30 minutes, don't worry about grammar - just write. If you get stuck, there are prompts issued the night before, but if not, then just....write. Right now.

Today's prompt: Courage.

I don't want to talk about courage, it's a trait that generally speaking, I wouldn't say that I possess. I'm not a bad person, I have no problem speaking my mind, but I characterize myself more along the lines of impetuous rather than courageous.

Some might say that I have bits and pieces of courage flowing through me, but I think that my courage is something that is only there in certain circumstances. For example, being courageous while I'm out and about is easy. Talking to people is one of the few things I've never struggled with, not talking to women and trying to form friendships, not flirting with men, not going in for interviews - in that way I am "courageous," but when it comes to things that I think I should be more courageous about, I shirk away from the responsibility, flee from the potential to fail; hardly courageous to say the least.

I want to be courageous about my beliefs. I want to be willing to change my life and go full force, to take all the time necessary to study out who I am and whose I am. Truly dedicate my mornings to reading, praying, worshipping - having a life that is worship, not just a "quiet" time and my Sunday mornings or my small groups.

I want to understand.

So this morning I started a plan, it should take about 6 months, but the point of it is to really go deep, learn more, be consistent, think about what I'm reading and what it means for me and my life, respond to it, let it mold me.

I've struggled for years with the idea of knowing my true identity. I would say it's an oddly courageous undertaking to try and figure myself out, properly. A friend sent me a tweet today, "Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will continue to look for more." While the thought behind it was more geared towards self-worth, I find it difficult to have a true understanding of what you deserve if you don't know who you are. How will I know that I am enough if I don't know myself?

Interesting question.

A thought that was brought up in a sermon that I watched last week delved a bit deeper into that thought. The idea that it's not just about believing in Jesus, it was just as important to believe Jesus...do you know what I mean? It's not just about saying, Jesus died on a cross for me and He loves me, it's also saying I am worth dying for...and believing it.

I spent my day thinking about the different things that I hope to learn over the course of the next 6 months about myself and my identity in God, but also just with knowing more about God and his character. What he says about me, what he says about the world, what he says about life - it all seems and sounds so abstract and random, but is it really? Aren't we all kinda searching around for our own purpose?

The problem with this whole, "write for 30 minutes" thing is that I have a tendency to ramble on and on hoping that my thoughts will come to be some sort of...traceable piece of content. That when I read it (or someone else reads it) that it makes sense, so I guess I should make it clear again.

I plan to use the next 6 months to do something courageous - get to know myself and find my true identity. The next 6 months my life will be making a drastic change and I'm excited about it. I believe, sincerely, that once someone has an encounter with God, their lives are never the same. I want to get close to God, I want to feel His presence around me, I want that for my life. I think that adding that to my life will bring me peace, better relationships with family and friends, as well as more control over my reactions to things. I know I won't be perfect, I know I won't necessarily turn into Mrs. Proverbs 31 - and frankly, I don't know if I want to...but I do know that I will grow in ways that I haven't seen before, that I will be able to expand my mental horizons almost as much as I've been expanding my healthy horizons, and I can't wait. The thought of knowing myself fully is overwhelming. The concept of seeing myself as GOD sees me is amazing, but I can't compose myself when I imagine just how much better my life will be.

I can't wait to see me as I am supposed to see me.

Choosing Happiness

I haven't written here in a month.

There's a reason for that. I'm sure of it, but at this point trying to find the words that actually go along with that reason is a task that is far beyond my ability.

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions and after last night's debacle, I knew that it was time for me to get back to what I knew best--writing it out. Taking time to reflect on all the mistakes that were made over the course of the past month and just...figure out the next step.

See, for me writing isn't just a form of letting ideas out, it is my form of therapy. I stopped writing at one point and thought that I would be fine, but for someone like myself who has a tendency to obsess over the past, having a written record is really the best thing to possess to avoid mentally recreating things that just...aren't real.

When I logged into my blog to write this post, sitting at the top of the list was an empty draft for a post titled Choosing Happiness...precisely what I needed to see and what I need to do. The past 48 hours have been nothing but me moping around on the brink of emotional breakdown because of doing what I have always done: be an impetuous, hopeful romantic...and because of that choice, I had found myself drowning in a sea of stupid, negative thoughts that I just couldn't seem to get out of.

Enter Mr. Flowers from stage left...

Not to romanticize my friends, but talk about a knight in shining armor. Armed with a hook (emblazoned with the words common sense on its side) he grabbed me out of this disgusting pool of self pity by talking to me and helping me see things from a different perspective. While there was much talk of me putting on my "big girl pants" there was also some deeper talk that was necessary beyond his own knowledge, I'm sure.

Bottom line: Sometimes you need someone to remind you why you need to choose happiness and why you deserve happiness.

Moving forward...today I am choosing happiness and every day from here on out I will do the same. I will wake up and make an active choice, a real decision, to choose to be happy, to appreciate my unique experiences here--the good, the bad, and the atrocious, because ugly simply doesn't give it justice. While I may never drop my impetuous ways, I certainly know where I can allow them to prosper and breathe and where I will put them on the back burner for the sake of my own sanity.

Today, I choose happiness...I will make today the best September 30, 2012 it could possibly be...because you don't get to do it over, you just have to live with what you're given and make the most of every single opportunity that you've been afforded.

The Art of Letting Go

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

When it comes down to the scariest thing about Christianity, it is--for me--trusting God.

More so than cutting off certain things from my life, more than any limitations that some say my beliefs may thrust on me, the scariest thing is trusting God.

I have an incredibly hard time fully trusting people that I can see, so you can imagine the aggravation of trusting something that I cannot physically see in front of me. Is God good? Yes, he would never do anything to hurt me that wasn't for my greater good-I've dealt with enough shaky situations to say that I can go along with this thinking. Do I believe that God has all control over everything? That he really and truly has his eye on everything happening in the world? Absolutely.

Do some people think I'm ridiculous for thinking that? Of course, but that's them.

The problem I have with trusting God is my desire to have control. I know that I can't control everything in my life, but if I could just get this situation fixed on my own terms, in my own way, I'd be happier. In a way, it's a snub at God. It's me saying, God I know you said you'd do this a certain way, in your time and that things would work out for my good--but I'm sure that my way is better. My way will get me where I want to be faster and it will be more fun or more economical or just have a better outcome for me in general.

What I've found is that I've been wrong. I've found that in the situations where I grab the reins and try to take control sometimes work out fine, but they could have been better. My pride gets in the way, my impatience gets in the way, my anger, my emotions--all of them get in the way of me doing or getting the best thing possible.

Whether it is for my career, my romantic life, my family situations, my friendships, if I try to manipulate them to work in my favor, things tend to go sour.

I'm still learning what it means to let go of a situation and let God take control of it. There is no handbook for "laying something down at the foot of the cross"...there's this idea of what it means though. To pray about it, to wait for some sort of confirmation, to read the Bible, to get people that have the same priorities thoughts on it, but when do you stop worrying? When do the thoughts come to a still? Is that the point where you know you've given it to God? If so, where does it start?

It's a difficult situation. How do you let the cards fall where they may? What does giving something to God really look like? Does it mean I don't care about it anymore? Does it mean I sit back and just...ride it out?

It's a complicated situation and I look forward to getting the answers.

My Big One

They say you get to know yourself when you're in college...and I have found that that is a big, fat lie. Why? Because in college your social interactions are decided by the group that you're with, for example, if your friends are hip-hop heads you'll probably find yourself either learning more about music or maybe seeing more concerts, getting deeper and deeper in that culture which might bring you out to open mics which might get you into other random things and then BAM...you're having this realization that you've been in the dark all your life and that spoken word has been your calling for ever...or whatever your big *wham* moment is.

But you don't really get to know yourself until you get out of college and you're on your own in a city where you know no one. Where you're totally fending for yourself and literally only have your career to keep you warm at night--I mean, how else will you pay the bills, right? Right. 

If there was one thing that I wish they taught you in high school or college, it would be making friends in the adult world. Sure, if you live in a big city, it's easy. There's a ridiculous amount of young people in these sprawling cities or college towns, but when you're in a teensy tiny town in the Panhandle, it gets to be a bit more difficult to make friendly with people who have been in the same place their entire life.

...and that's how things are right now.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy where I am. There's plenty of pretty things to see and for the most part the people that I've encountered are great, but I miss college. I miss having people in their 20s that I could relate to, that I could be close to...and that just hasn't happened.

The problem with being a reporter is that you never really get to lay roots down anywhere when you're just beginning, unless you want to stay in your first job forever. I could never see myself staying where I am right now...many of the people who have been here have been here their entire lives and I have no idea how they can manage to be content...yet, they are...not only are they content, but they have their groups, their exclusive partnerships that are impossible to break through and yet I'm still trying.

I don't know what the point of this post is, but I guess I just want to remember today, when I, Ashley decided that I had enough with being pathetic and being sad and alone. The day I got tired of trying to break through people's walls and said maybe it's time that I face my fear of being alone and stop pushing for superficial friendships to sustain me, but learn how to sustain myself.

So yes...that's the point of this post. August 10, 2012. The day I became free.