Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.

Working hard, hardly working...

Preparing to leave the house on a boat - thankful I wore a dress.

Every now and then I have to admit, I have an awesome job.

It's not like you have to drag it out of me, I adore what I do, it's literally everything I've wanted for at least a decade, probably (as in definitely) longer.

Saturday, I had the pleasure of enjoying free and fantastic food, meet some awesome people, and ride a boat that was a house.

Obviously, every day isn't that busy, but if there is one thing that keeps me coming back to my job, it's the knowledge that I'm going to be doing something different, learning something new, every freaking day.

I mean...how awesome is that?

Some people are happy to stick with an office job, they like the comfort of having a job with specific hours and great pay, don't get me wrong, there are moments I'm jealous. I would love to be able to go to a class at the gym right after work at 5:30, I would love to be making considerably more than I'm making - I won't divulge, just know that one of my friends says I "work for peanuts" and another refers to my occupation, lovingly, as "slave labor" - but this is one of those jobs that I absolutely love.

I'm paid to tell stories.
I'm paid to go on adventures.
I'm paid to ask questions.
I'm paid to write.
I'm paid to read.
I'm paid to follow my dreams.

It really doesn't get much better than that.

Life As Usual

The past year has been quite the journey.

December 9, 2011, I sent the email that would change my life and begin my career as a reporter. Since then, I've packed up my car, moved to a new city, met amazing people, challenged myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially while pushing myself to new boundaries mentally.

It has been tiring, exhilarating, hilarious and amazing...and now I'm sitting here waiting for what comes next. I know in my heart that this month has a lot in store for me, there is the potential for a lot of change to occur in the next 3 weeks and I'm terrified but absolutely looking forward to what it could mean.

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I've had the nickname "Gimpy" for the past week after spraining my ankle and busting up my knee while going for a run (I wish I had a better story for my injuries, but alas, it was not meant to be) last Saturday. This comes at the heels of a possible move to a new opportunity - ie. the worst possible time to ever be injured. In addition to that, having a job that requires lugging around a camera and a tripod means that being on crutches is out the question if I intend to actually make any money, so it goes without saying that this week has been interesting, especially when fueled by pain medication.

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I've recently been paying more attention to the emails I receive, especially from Danielle LaPorte. Recently she launched this thing called The Desire Map. I went to her site to read up on it a bit more and saw this:

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays - your life?

It got me thinking. Danielle's email talked about how she stopped pursuing goals and started pursuing her feelings - something that was recently plaguing my own mind. I've been feeling unfulfilled though I know I'm doing something that I've wanted all my life. On Facebook, I put up a status quoting Alain de Botton from an article on BrainPickings:

We suck in messages from everything from the television to advertising to marketing, etcetera. These are hugely powerful forces that define what we want and how we view ourselves. What I want to argue is not the we should give up on our ideas of success but that we should make sure that they are our own. We should focus in on our ideas and make sure that we own them, that we're truly the authors of our own ambitions. Because it's bad enough not getting what you want, but it's even worse to have an idea of what it is you want and find out at the end of the journey that it isn't, in fact, what you wanted all along.

It's odd how other people's words can really click with what's going on in your own mind, so I've decided to pursue my feelings fully, to pay attention to what it is that I really, truly want and then do what gives me that. What do I want to feel? It's not enough to say I want to be happy, what does happiness look like to me? What do I do that makes me feel complete? What do I do that makes me laugh, enjoy life - those are the things worth pursuing.

Giving makes me feel good, reading, watching movies, learning new songs, eating healthy, working out, talking to people about their own lives - all things that make me happy and all things that I can do. Even in my career as a reporter, I can use that as an avenue to give to people, to learn about them and help them move forward.

These messages were like a divine intervention that said, your passion doesn't have to exclude what you do in your day to day life - they can match.

Now comes the fun part of making it happen.

Friday Photo: On Finding Your Personal Heaven

Whenever I'm seeking peace, whenever I need to take the time to look around me and feel peace despite whatever I'm going through, I go to the beach.

I've been blessed to work in paradise. I mean, there's no other way to describe where I live, work and play. I'm constantly driving between Panama City Beach, Destin, Port St. Joe, Mexico Beach, Apalachicola…a bunch of places that are all within an hour or so from me and they all have their own little bits of heaven in them.

I can say without a doubt that I feel closest to God when I'm by the ocean. There's something about how huge it is. I mean…it goes on forever, no matter where you're standing, even when you reach a coast, all you have to do is turn around and see that you're completely surrounded by water.

Those thoughts always knock me right back down to size when I start to feel a little bit too self-righteous. I just look around and it's an instant slap in the face of how humble I should be when I consider just how amazing and awesome everything else is.

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances." -Mahatma Gandhi

There's no profound nature to this picture, it just captures the essence of what I need. I was driving to story to watch a sea turtle be released in Port St. Joe and I couldn't stop being staring out my window (obviously not my smartest/safest choice…but that's neither here nor there).

Eventually I pulled over so I could take a picture of what I saw. It was the perfect capture of everlasting peace. There's something about the sound of water lapping at your feet, a slight breeze to your face that rustles your hair and the overwhelming silence of distractions. No computers, no chattering people, no pings from iNews, no yelling…just quiet.

My personal heaven.