Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.

#30 Write Now

October feels like a fresh start, so I decided to kick off this month doing something a bit different, a writing challenge. The rules are simple, write everyday for 30 minutes, don't worry about grammar - just write. If you get stuck, there are prompts issued the night before, but if not, then just....write. Right now.

Today's prompt: Courage.

I don't want to talk about courage, it's a trait that generally speaking, I wouldn't say that I possess. I'm not a bad person, I have no problem speaking my mind, but I characterize myself more along the lines of impetuous rather than courageous.

Some might say that I have bits and pieces of courage flowing through me, but I think that my courage is something that is only there in certain circumstances. For example, being courageous while I'm out and about is easy. Talking to people is one of the few things I've never struggled with, not talking to women and trying to form friendships, not flirting with men, not going in for interviews - in that way I am "courageous," but when it comes to things that I think I should be more courageous about, I shirk away from the responsibility, flee from the potential to fail; hardly courageous to say the least.

I want to be courageous about my beliefs. I want to be willing to change my life and go full force, to take all the time necessary to study out who I am and whose I am. Truly dedicate my mornings to reading, praying, worshipping - having a life that is worship, not just a "quiet" time and my Sunday mornings or my small groups.

I want to understand.

So this morning I started a plan, it should take about 6 months, but the point of it is to really go deep, learn more, be consistent, think about what I'm reading and what it means for me and my life, respond to it, let it mold me.

I've struggled for years with the idea of knowing my true identity. I would say it's an oddly courageous undertaking to try and figure myself out, properly. A friend sent me a tweet today, "Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will continue to look for more." While the thought behind it was more geared towards self-worth, I find it difficult to have a true understanding of what you deserve if you don't know who you are. How will I know that I am enough if I don't know myself?

Interesting question.

A thought that was brought up in a sermon that I watched last week delved a bit deeper into that thought. The idea that it's not just about believing in Jesus, it was just as important to believe Jesus...do you know what I mean? It's not just about saying, Jesus died on a cross for me and He loves me, it's also saying I am worth dying for...and believing it.

I spent my day thinking about the different things that I hope to learn over the course of the next 6 months about myself and my identity in God, but also just with knowing more about God and his character. What he says about me, what he says about the world, what he says about life - it all seems and sounds so abstract and random, but is it really? Aren't we all kinda searching around for our own purpose?

The problem with this whole, "write for 30 minutes" thing is that I have a tendency to ramble on and on hoping that my thoughts will come to be some sort of...traceable piece of content. That when I read it (or someone else reads it) that it makes sense, so I guess I should make it clear again.

I plan to use the next 6 months to do something courageous - get to know myself and find my true identity. The next 6 months my life will be making a drastic change and I'm excited about it. I believe, sincerely, that once someone has an encounter with God, their lives are never the same. I want to get close to God, I want to feel His presence around me, I want that for my life. I think that adding that to my life will bring me peace, better relationships with family and friends, as well as more control over my reactions to things. I know I won't be perfect, I know I won't necessarily turn into Mrs. Proverbs 31 - and frankly, I don't know if I want to...but I do know that I will grow in ways that I haven't seen before, that I will be able to expand my mental horizons almost as much as I've been expanding my healthy horizons, and I can't wait. The thought of knowing myself fully is overwhelming. The concept of seeing myself as GOD sees me is amazing, but I can't compose myself when I imagine just how much better my life will be.

I can't wait to see me as I am supposed to see me.