Catch up!

Ahh, it's been over a week since I last posted. Life has been so intense this past week, a lot of work with everything that happened in Boston, a lot of change, a few revelations that have put me on track for some immense personal growth, a newly clean apartment (if you've ever been inside my apartment you need to come back - no seriously, it's that clean) and a lot of getting my life together - at least getting organized.

So what has the past week been in a nutshell?

Police car rides.
Perks of Being a Wallflower. (#Redbox52 coming on that soon)
Netflix - which means House of Cards.
Cooking.
Motorcycles.
Jazz/Cajun/Parrothead Festival.
Jurassic Park in 3D.
Brunch.
Prayer.

And what have I learned?

The best thing to do with a moment isn't to try and capture it, it's to grow in it, revel in it, embrace it, live it. Too often we get so caught up trying to get something on film for Instagram or Vine or Twitter or Facebook or Tumblr - or here - that we miss out. Obviously it's not just that, I mean, I don't think there's ever been a photo taken that truly captures the joy of a moment unless it's taken at the perfect moment and those moments can be so hard to catch.

That being said, I'm taking a challenge to stay off of Facebook and Twitter for at least a month. Twitter won't be so hard, Facebook is a major time waster and so addictive (I mean, I have to see so-and-so's wedding photos and this couple just had a baby and I love reliving college through my former resident's current adventures!) but sometimes you need to take a step back.

Maybe it's just me, but I have a major perception issue sometimes. I seem to forget that when I'm on a social network, more likely than not, it's because I'm bored…and don't you know, when you're bored at work and all you're seeing are pictures of someone's awesome honeymoon or their late spring break getaway, it's very easy to get disenchanted with whatever it is that you're doing.

So, in order to have a more perfect outlook, I'm catching up on my life by tuning out the chatter of everyone else's.

If I need to know what's going on in someone's life, the best thing to do is probably make a phone call anyway!

Happy Tuesday y'all.

Taking a breather

There are many topics that I would like to approach today, good and bad. From the 10 and 11 year old that planned to murder and rape a classmate to the Maverick's owner saying he would consider putting Brittney Griner on his team to even the most basic subject matter, like why I can't stand self-proclaimed "nice" guys.

Those will be discussed later...because today I need to breathe. Today, I would like to relax and pretend there aren't so many bad things happening, pretend that this accomplishment doesn't come on the heels of so much criticism of a young lady who is incredibly talented, and pretend that guys that are nice don't actually act nice to get things they don't deserve in return.

Today, I'm taking a selfish moment to be happy about a small investment I made that has given me peace, a new way to look at things, and a new appreciation of time and priorities.

Bella, sweet, sweet, lovely, Bella.

Bella is a Canon AE-1 that I got last week at a random garage sale type deal that was held in the building we've been having church. For $20 I got the camera body + 3 lens + 3 filters + a nifty bag + an attachable flash.

TWENTY DOLLARS. And it ALL works.

After blowing through my first roll of film, I realized that this camera taught me a very important lesson that digital photography made easy to forget: capture memorable moments. It seems dumb, but with a digital camera you have a million chances to get the right shot, to pick it apart and try again over and over and over, with a film camera, you don't have that same chance.

It's funny, with 24 exposures, it's like being given a full day and you have only those 24 hours to fill with whatever it is, but once that time is up - it's done. I don't know, sometimes it's the little random things like that that really rattle you, make you take the time to really take your time. 

All that being said, I hope you have a productive day...that you're able to see past all the bad in the world and try to contribute some good rather then simply focusing on your own good...because the world can always use some more of that.

Falling into place

I've been in a really angsty on here lately and that's just uncomfortable for me to re-read if I'm going to be honest, haha. There have been several factors that have played into this, but if there's one thing I do know, after everything seems to be in ruins, things start to pick back up for a variety of reasons.

First, once things have sucked so epically, you're more motivated to do what's best for you - what you truly want and desire and as someone who has chosen to fight for her personal peace, I think it's just another step in the right direction.

I mean, look at this face - how happy am I?

Second, I've been blessed with the opportunity to do a bunch of stuff I want to do. Saw Melanie Fiona and Kendrick Lamar perform, had some awesome heart-to-hearts with my friends in Gainesville, and currently I have one of my close friends from school sleeping in my apartment while I work.

Speaking of that, I can't say enough how grateful I am to have J here with me right now. She's one of my more grounded friends, out in law school preparing to take over the world.

The other night we had a long discussion about friendship and life, how things have changed so much over the course of the 2 years that we've been separated and the best part about the whole thing was how natural it felt, like the 2 years weren't even there.

One of the things I'm eternally grateful for is friends that are worth fighting for. There aren't many that fall in that category, but those that do have a very special place in my heart - because I know they'd fight for me too. Sometimes we spend so much time giving our energy to people and things that don't deserve to have it and as I go through this spiritual reawakening I'm seeing a lot of things more clearly - crazy what a week of hard thinking can do to you.

I'm excited about the changes that are coming forth, spiritually, emotionally, mentally...the whole 9 yards and I feel like in the next few months I'll be able to make so many positive changes in my life, I'll look back at this and wonder what took me so long to commit to happiness.

Sometimes you gotta get away.

Sweet, home Alabama.

Being somewhere for a year can really wear you down and sometimes, all you need is a little vacation - and I finally had one without using any of my vacation time.

Sunday, after church, I scrambled home to grab my bags and hit the road to go to Huntsville, AL to visit my amazing friend for her birthday and attend the Rock and Worship Roadshow.

First of all, let me be crystal clear: this visit was everything I needed right now. I had a chance to do a photoshoot with DP, heard some great music, and met some awesome people. It was just the right dose of escape to remind me that where I am now isn't where I'll always be.

Also, let me add that there is nothing more fun than going to a great worship. I mean, I heard Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp, Rhett Walker Band, and a bunch of people I'd never heard of before and pretty much all of it was fantastic.

What wasn't so much fun? Driving back to Panama City Beach at 4:30 in the morning today. Whoo, pain in the butt, however I will say that I'm grateful for how things worked out because originally, I would have had to leave AL a 1 am.

Praise God that that didn't happen.

Anyway, here are some pics from the weekend - expect some stuff for my 365 soon. I started it on Monday...2 days strong y'all.

Big Spring Park in Hunstville, AL

DP and I

Happy Tuesday!

Working hard, hardly working...

Preparing to leave the house on a boat - thankful I wore a dress.

Every now and then I have to admit, I have an awesome job.

It's not like you have to drag it out of me, I adore what I do, it's literally everything I've wanted for at least a decade, probably (as in definitely) longer.

Saturday, I had the pleasure of enjoying free and fantastic food, meet some awesome people, and ride a boat that was a house.

Obviously, every day isn't that busy, but if there is one thing that keeps me coming back to my job, it's the knowledge that I'm going to be doing something different, learning something new, every freaking day.

I mean...how awesome is that?

Some people are happy to stick with an office job, they like the comfort of having a job with specific hours and great pay, don't get me wrong, there are moments I'm jealous. I would love to be able to go to a class at the gym right after work at 5:30, I would love to be making considerably more than I'm making - I won't divulge, just know that one of my friends says I "work for peanuts" and another refers to my occupation, lovingly, as "slave labor" - but this is one of those jobs that I absolutely love.

I'm paid to tell stories.
I'm paid to go on adventures.
I'm paid to ask questions.
I'm paid to write.
I'm paid to read.
I'm paid to follow my dreams.

It really doesn't get much better than that.

And so it begins

For some reason, coming into 2013 didn't have the same excitement the other years have had in the past...maybe it's because I have a new understanding of what a new year means. People give so much significance to this idea of having a chance to have a new beginning, a new start, as if they couldn't do it at any other time.

That sounds so cynical and pessimistic, doesn't it? Yeesh...what has 2012 done to me? I could have sworn that this time last year, I was a much more cheerful person, but this time last year I was in a very different spot. I was close to family, I kind of had friends, and even though there wasn't really anyone that I had anything serious with, though there was someone in the picture, I at least had the distractions of a big city to keep me sustained.

Things have changed, so very much.

To say that 2012 was a wash wouldn't be an accurate portrayal of the year either. I mean, I moved away from the cold and back to Florida, I made trips to see friends, went to my first music festival, got the job I've always wanted, but oddly enough, I'm not happy.

I think I never let that thought really sink in. We spend so much time saying it's not okay to be unhappy or lonely, but it's just a natural part of life. In the same way that you won't be good at everything you do, you will fail, you will be bad at something, you will drop the ball in the most humiliating fashion and sometimes everyone will see - but it's only bad if you choose to stay there...there's nothing wrong with addressing it.

I came into 2013 with a smile on my face, but also with the knowledge that there are things I want to change. I know that I have picked my motto for the year, which hopefully will stick for the rest of my life. It's more of an idea than a motto, realistically speaking, the idea that in all that I do, I will commit. When things get hard, I will simply go harder. That's all...and that's with everything in my life.

From my relationship with God to this blog to learning to play guitar. I have a bunch of things that I've just half done, half committed to and this year, I'm devoted to making the most of my time and the most of my life.

I know I have a lot to look forward to, but most of all, I can look forward to 2013 being significantly better than 2012 on the premise that I will fight for it to be better, in every way. Does that mean that I will get everything right? No, and that's something I will have to come to accept...it's not about being right, it's not about being perfect, it's about fighting, persevering in the face of defeat and that is something I can do and will do.

So, 2013...I hope you're as ready for me as I am for you.

Life As Usual

The past year has been quite the journey.

December 9, 2011, I sent the email that would change my life and begin my career as a reporter. Since then, I've packed up my car, moved to a new city, met amazing people, challenged myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially while pushing myself to new boundaries mentally.

It has been tiring, exhilarating, hilarious and amazing...and now I'm sitting here waiting for what comes next. I know in my heart that this month has a lot in store for me, there is the potential for a lot of change to occur in the next 3 weeks and I'm terrified but absolutely looking forward to what it could mean.

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I've had the nickname "Gimpy" for the past week after spraining my ankle and busting up my knee while going for a run (I wish I had a better story for my injuries, but alas, it was not meant to be) last Saturday. This comes at the heels of a possible move to a new opportunity - ie. the worst possible time to ever be injured. In addition to that, having a job that requires lugging around a camera and a tripod means that being on crutches is out the question if I intend to actually make any money, so it goes without saying that this week has been interesting, especially when fueled by pain medication.

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I've recently been paying more attention to the emails I receive, especially from Danielle LaPorte. Recently she launched this thing called The Desire Map. I went to her site to read up on it a bit more and saw this:

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays - your life?

It got me thinking. Danielle's email talked about how she stopped pursuing goals and started pursuing her feelings - something that was recently plaguing my own mind. I've been feeling unfulfilled though I know I'm doing something that I've wanted all my life. On Facebook, I put up a status quoting Alain de Botton from an article on BrainPickings:

We suck in messages from everything from the television to advertising to marketing, etcetera. These are hugely powerful forces that define what we want and how we view ourselves. What I want to argue is not the we should give up on our ideas of success but that we should make sure that they are our own. We should focus in on our ideas and make sure that we own them, that we're truly the authors of our own ambitions. Because it's bad enough not getting what you want, but it's even worse to have an idea of what it is you want and find out at the end of the journey that it isn't, in fact, what you wanted all along.

It's odd how other people's words can really click with what's going on in your own mind, so I've decided to pursue my feelings fully, to pay attention to what it is that I really, truly want and then do what gives me that. What do I want to feel? It's not enough to say I want to be happy, what does happiness look like to me? What do I do that makes me feel complete? What do I do that makes me laugh, enjoy life - those are the things worth pursuing.

Giving makes me feel good, reading, watching movies, learning new songs, eating healthy, working out, talking to people about their own lives - all things that make me happy and all things that I can do. Even in my career as a reporter, I can use that as an avenue to give to people, to learn about them and help them move forward.

These messages were like a divine intervention that said, your passion doesn't have to exclude what you do in your day to day life - they can match.

Now comes the fun part of making it happen.

Choosing Happiness

I haven't written here in a month.

There's a reason for that. I'm sure of it, but at this point trying to find the words that actually go along with that reason is a task that is far beyond my ability.

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotions and after last night's debacle, I knew that it was time for me to get back to what I knew best--writing it out. Taking time to reflect on all the mistakes that were made over the course of the past month and just...figure out the next step.

See, for me writing isn't just a form of letting ideas out, it is my form of therapy. I stopped writing at one point and thought that I would be fine, but for someone like myself who has a tendency to obsess over the past, having a written record is really the best thing to possess to avoid mentally recreating things that just...aren't real.

When I logged into my blog to write this post, sitting at the top of the list was an empty draft for a post titled Choosing Happiness...precisely what I needed to see and what I need to do. The past 48 hours have been nothing but me moping around on the brink of emotional breakdown because of doing what I have always done: be an impetuous, hopeful romantic...and because of that choice, I had found myself drowning in a sea of stupid, negative thoughts that I just couldn't seem to get out of.

Enter Mr. Flowers from stage left...

Not to romanticize my friends, but talk about a knight in shining armor. Armed with a hook (emblazoned with the words common sense on its side) he grabbed me out of this disgusting pool of self pity by talking to me and helping me see things from a different perspective. While there was much talk of me putting on my "big girl pants" there was also some deeper talk that was necessary beyond his own knowledge, I'm sure.

Bottom line: Sometimes you need someone to remind you why you need to choose happiness and why you deserve happiness.

Moving forward...today I am choosing happiness and every day from here on out I will do the same. I will wake up and make an active choice, a real decision, to choose to be happy, to appreciate my unique experiences here--the good, the bad, and the atrocious, because ugly simply doesn't give it justice. While I may never drop my impetuous ways, I certainly know where I can allow them to prosper and breathe and where I will put them on the back burner for the sake of my own sanity.

Today, I choose happiness...I will make today the best September 30, 2012 it could possibly be...because you don't get to do it over, you just have to live with what you're given and make the most of every single opportunity that you've been afforded.