Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.