Put in the effort.

Every once in a while I get one of these inspirational emails from Danielle LaPorte.

Although the advice is usually basic knowledge that I could get from anyone, I appreciate the timeliness of her random bits of wisdom.

There's this thought process that seems to permeate our culture that once you follow your intuition, determine what it is that your soul-calling may be, that everything just falls into place. Once you get it, you're supposed to just be able to get it - whatever that it may be. Whether it's realizing your purpose and going for a specific job or however your intuition seems to communicate with you, there's this expectation that realizing your thing should mean it's guaranteed to happen.

#30 Write Now

October feels like a fresh start, so I decided to kick off this month doing something a bit different, a writing challenge. The rules are simple, write everyday for 30 minutes, don't worry about grammar - just write. If you get stuck, there are prompts issued the night before, but if not, then just....write. Right now.

Today's prompt: Courage.

I don't want to talk about courage, it's a trait that generally speaking, I wouldn't say that I possess. I'm not a bad person, I have no problem speaking my mind, but I characterize myself more along the lines of impetuous rather than courageous.

Some might say that I have bits and pieces of courage flowing through me, but I think that my courage is something that is only there in certain circumstances. For example, being courageous while I'm out and about is easy. Talking to people is one of the few things I've never struggled with, not talking to women and trying to form friendships, not flirting with men, not going in for interviews - in that way I am "courageous," but when it comes to things that I think I should be more courageous about, I shirk away from the responsibility, flee from the potential to fail; hardly courageous to say the least.

I want to be courageous about my beliefs. I want to be willing to change my life and go full force, to take all the time necessary to study out who I am and whose I am. Truly dedicate my mornings to reading, praying, worshipping - having a life that is worship, not just a "quiet" time and my Sunday mornings or my small groups.

I want to understand.

So this morning I started a plan, it should take about 6 months, but the point of it is to really go deep, learn more, be consistent, think about what I'm reading and what it means for me and my life, respond to it, let it mold me.

I've struggled for years with the idea of knowing my true identity. I would say it's an oddly courageous undertaking to try and figure myself out, properly. A friend sent me a tweet today, "Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will continue to look for more." While the thought behind it was more geared towards self-worth, I find it difficult to have a true understanding of what you deserve if you don't know who you are. How will I know that I am enough if I don't know myself?

Interesting question.

A thought that was brought up in a sermon that I watched last week delved a bit deeper into that thought. The idea that it's not just about believing in Jesus, it was just as important to believe Jesus...do you know what I mean? It's not just about saying, Jesus died on a cross for me and He loves me, it's also saying I am worth dying for...and believing it.

I spent my day thinking about the different things that I hope to learn over the course of the next 6 months about myself and my identity in God, but also just with knowing more about God and his character. What he says about me, what he says about the world, what he says about life - it all seems and sounds so abstract and random, but is it really? Aren't we all kinda searching around for our own purpose?

The problem with this whole, "write for 30 minutes" thing is that I have a tendency to ramble on and on hoping that my thoughts will come to be some sort of...traceable piece of content. That when I read it (or someone else reads it) that it makes sense, so I guess I should make it clear again.

I plan to use the next 6 months to do something courageous - get to know myself and find my true identity. The next 6 months my life will be making a drastic change and I'm excited about it. I believe, sincerely, that once someone has an encounter with God, their lives are never the same. I want to get close to God, I want to feel His presence around me, I want that for my life. I think that adding that to my life will bring me peace, better relationships with family and friends, as well as more control over my reactions to things. I know I won't be perfect, I know I won't necessarily turn into Mrs. Proverbs 31 - and frankly, I don't know if I want to...but I do know that I will grow in ways that I haven't seen before, that I will be able to expand my mental horizons almost as much as I've been expanding my healthy horizons, and I can't wait. The thought of knowing myself fully is overwhelming. The concept of seeing myself as GOD sees me is amazing, but I can't compose myself when I imagine just how much better my life will be.

I can't wait to see me as I am supposed to see me.

The Art of Letting Go

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

When it comes down to the scariest thing about Christianity, it is--for me--trusting God.

More so than cutting off certain things from my life, more than any limitations that some say my beliefs may thrust on me, the scariest thing is trusting God.

I have an incredibly hard time fully trusting people that I can see, so you can imagine the aggravation of trusting something that I cannot physically see in front of me. Is God good? Yes, he would never do anything to hurt me that wasn't for my greater good-I've dealt with enough shaky situations to say that I can go along with this thinking. Do I believe that God has all control over everything? That he really and truly has his eye on everything happening in the world? Absolutely.

Do some people think I'm ridiculous for thinking that? Of course, but that's them.

The problem I have with trusting God is my desire to have control. I know that I can't control everything in my life, but if I could just get this situation fixed on my own terms, in my own way, I'd be happier. In a way, it's a snub at God. It's me saying, God I know you said you'd do this a certain way, in your time and that things would work out for my good--but I'm sure that my way is better. My way will get me where I want to be faster and it will be more fun or more economical or just have a better outcome for me in general.

What I've found is that I've been wrong. I've found that in the situations where I grab the reins and try to take control sometimes work out fine, but they could have been better. My pride gets in the way, my impatience gets in the way, my anger, my emotions--all of them get in the way of me doing or getting the best thing possible.

Whether it is for my career, my romantic life, my family situations, my friendships, if I try to manipulate them to work in my favor, things tend to go sour.

I'm still learning what it means to let go of a situation and let God take control of it. There is no handbook for "laying something down at the foot of the cross"...there's this idea of what it means though. To pray about it, to wait for some sort of confirmation, to read the Bible, to get people that have the same priorities thoughts on it, but when do you stop worrying? When do the thoughts come to a still? Is that the point where you know you've given it to God? If so, where does it start?

It's a difficult situation. How do you let the cards fall where they may? What does giving something to God really look like? Does it mean I don't care about it anymore? Does it mean I sit back and just...ride it out?

It's a complicated situation and I look forward to getting the answers.

Friday Photo: On Finding Your Personal Heaven

Whenever I'm seeking peace, whenever I need to take the time to look around me and feel peace despite whatever I'm going through, I go to the beach.

I've been blessed to work in paradise. I mean, there's no other way to describe where I live, work and play. I'm constantly driving between Panama City Beach, Destin, Port St. Joe, Mexico Beach, Apalachicola…a bunch of places that are all within an hour or so from me and they all have their own little bits of heaven in them.

I can say without a doubt that I feel closest to God when I'm by the ocean. There's something about how huge it is. I mean…it goes on forever, no matter where you're standing, even when you reach a coast, all you have to do is turn around and see that you're completely surrounded by water.

Those thoughts always knock me right back down to size when I start to feel a little bit too self-righteous. I just look around and it's an instant slap in the face of how humble I should be when I consider just how amazing and awesome everything else is.

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances." -Mahatma Gandhi

There's no profound nature to this picture, it just captures the essence of what I need. I was driving to story to watch a sea turtle be released in Port St. Joe and I couldn't stop being staring out my window (obviously not my smartest/safest choice…but that's neither here nor there).

Eventually I pulled over so I could take a picture of what I saw. It was the perfect capture of everlasting peace. There's something about the sound of water lapping at your feet, a slight breeze to your face that rustles your hair and the overwhelming silence of distractions. No computers, no chattering people, no pings from iNews, no yelling…just quiet.

My personal heaven.