Vacation all I ever wanted.

One of the first things I celebrated in January was one year on the job which meant getting 10 glorious days of vacation - which meant I was using them as best I could. This week, I finally got a chance to start enjoying my earned time - and Lord knows I needed it.

Indian Shores

I've spent the past 3 days between Indian Shores and Clearwater - all of 20 to 30 minutes apart - with my grandparents. I haven't seen them in 13 months and this has to be one of the most relaxing times I've had as of late, watching the sunset from the condo, finishing 2 books, eating yummy food and seeing the Phillies...lose, ahh well, you can't win 'em all.

That said, being with my grandparents has been one of the biggest pleasures I've experienced in a long time. No one has the ability to make me laugh like they do and to hear them talk about the past just blows me away.

This trip carried conversations that breached all sorts of topics, but lingered on talks pertaining to love and my career - both topics I'm incredibly passionate about. While the love talk was more in jest, the career one took a turn for the more serious as we discussed what I want for my life.

My grandfather worked in the journalism industry 39 years for money and many more just for the privilege of it. Before I got in the industry, I talked to him about it, the challenges of the world and how to best put it and this weekend he explained it in a different way.

One of the most frustrating things about working in news is the limiting nature of it all. I was looking at the skeleton of a 30 minute show and realized that when you take into account the 4 minutes of sports and various breaks for weather and obviously the commercials that pay the bills, the news is literally 8 minutes.

Eight minutes.

All of the news of the day boiled down to 8 measly minutes.

I began complaining to him about it, how things would be so much easier if there was just more time and he told me the same thing he always told his students, "if you can't explain your story in one sentence, you don't know your story." As our talk continued, we began to break down things about how things have changed in the media, how technology has moved things forward and my grandfather brought things to a different perspective.

In the beginning was the Word.

That was it, it was his way of explaining the importance of words. As we stayed on that topic we delved into how there would never quite be enough time and the importance of measuring our words and it got me thinking about, well, words...being concise, learning how to express myself fully - so I decided to use his words as a challenge. A challenge to make sure all of my words are what I meant through and through.

So I issue the same challenge to you!

#Redbox52: Feel like a hero

I've decided to call this movie thing I'm doing the Redbox 52 since every movie I'm reviewing will be a new release from the Redbox. So, what was today's movie...

Normally when I think of police movies or a lot of different action movies, I assume that the plot will be lackluster, the acting will be meh and I'm really in it for the bangs. 

This movie was not that.

I was floored by the movie because it was really, really good. I enjoyed the dialogue between characters, the relationships that you saw grow, and found myself getting almost teary eyed as I finished it up.

What made this movie great was that it didn't focus on all the different relationships in the movie, it focused primarily on the partnership between police officers Brian Taylor and Miguel Zavala. We see these two characters go through plenty together and watch their bond as brothers on the force grow. 

That in and of itself was probably the most surprising thing about this film. When I put the movie in, I wasn't expecting to be blown away, I was expecting to see a cop movie where the good guys win, the bad guys go down, car chases, gun fights, the whole 9 yards, and to an extent I got that, but on top of that I got a story of two men going through it.

There are plenty of laughs and the ability to watch the characters grow in their personal relationships as they go through different stages in their life.

Behind my badge is a heart like yours. I bleed, I think, I love, and yes I can be killed. And although I am but one man, I have thousands of brothers and sisters who are the same as me.

The movie starts with a monologue from Brian Taylor and it tugged at my heart strings. Working in news has caused me to meet a lot of police officers which ultimately means that I associate each of the characters with real people. So of course, I had to call them up to see how they felt about the movie and admit that yes I did cry when blahblahblahnotgoingtoruinitblahblahblah happened or I laughed extra hard when soandso said suchandsuchathing...but more importantly, it made me appreciate what they do  and the sacrifices they make every day.

Anyway, the movie is good, especially as someone who doesn't believe in this whole screw the police mentality, it lets you see things from their perspective...I definitely would recommend it to any and everyone. 

Weigh your options

I love movies. I love watching them, reading about them, reading the books their based on, I just love everything involved in the creative process of making a movie. So, I'm starting something that will let me do both things that I love: movies and writing. Every week, a new movie...so we're starting...today!

Movie 1: Celeste and Jesse Forever

I have no problem admitting that I kinda sorta adore romantic comedies, but I think the best thing that's happened to romance movies recently is their decision to try and be more realistic.

We grew up in an era where movies were made to showcase this unbelievable love. I mean, I love The Notebook as much as any normal woman does and A Walk to Remember - I'm shaking my head with my eyes closed just thinking about how romantic everything was, even Titanic had the epic love that endured. When you look at most love related stories, there's a tendency for things to just...be so blissful and the only thing that ever separates them is death.

What a drag that in our society, that just doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

...and it looks like quite a few movies are catching on. The idea that art is a direct reflection of society at the time is showing pretty hardcore. The thing I loved about Celeste and Jesse Forever is that it never claimed or tried to be some awesome love story. It was actually a story that told what happens when life happens - to a degree at least.

You have two people that were in love, deeply in love, and that just didn't work out, but they have this great amazing friendship that everyone thinks is kinda weird (totally been in their shoes before, I mean we weren't in love or married but...you get the point...sorta) and it's endearing.

I don't want to spoil the movie, but I think what I enjoyed most about it was how it didn't try to speed things up. It let you see things as they happened and it was a movie that was easy to relate to.

I think if there was one moment in the movie that kinda stuck with me it was when Celeste is out and has this interaction with a friend:

Celeste: "He's just going about everything so wrong."
Paul: "You want to be right or you want to be happy?"

It hit home...this battle with always wanting to be right and the sacrifice we make sometimes in our efforts to be right thereby throwing our happiness to the wind when we're faced with a disagreement.

Falling into place

I've been in a really angsty on here lately and that's just uncomfortable for me to re-read if I'm going to be honest, haha. There have been several factors that have played into this, but if there's one thing I do know, after everything seems to be in ruins, things start to pick back up for a variety of reasons.

First, once things have sucked so epically, you're more motivated to do what's best for you - what you truly want and desire and as someone who has chosen to fight for her personal peace, I think it's just another step in the right direction.

I mean, look at this face - how happy am I?

Second, I've been blessed with the opportunity to do a bunch of stuff I want to do. Saw Melanie Fiona and Kendrick Lamar perform, had some awesome heart-to-hearts with my friends in Gainesville, and currently I have one of my close friends from school sleeping in my apartment while I work.

Speaking of that, I can't say enough how grateful I am to have J here with me right now. She's one of my more grounded friends, out in law school preparing to take over the world.

The other night we had a long discussion about friendship and life, how things have changed so much over the course of the 2 years that we've been separated and the best part about the whole thing was how natural it felt, like the 2 years weren't even there.

One of the things I'm eternally grateful for is friends that are worth fighting for. There aren't many that fall in that category, but those that do have a very special place in my heart - because I know they'd fight for me too. Sometimes we spend so much time giving our energy to people and things that don't deserve to have it and as I go through this spiritual reawakening I'm seeing a lot of things more clearly - crazy what a week of hard thinking can do to you.

I'm excited about the changes that are coming forth, spiritually, emotionally, mentally...the whole 9 yards and I feel like in the next few months I'll be able to make so many positive changes in my life, I'll look back at this and wonder what took me so long to commit to happiness.

Soul baring

This past week has been a journey of ups and downs and way too many tears, but thankfully I have friends and mentors that can deal with my backwards ways without going insane.

What's made things so difficult recently hasn't been any specific situation or thing, but rather how I choose to respond to things. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm either hot or cold - but recently I've been more lukewarm than I ever have and it's had a negative effect on me in every aspect of my life. Personally, I feel unfulfilled; emotionally, I feel drained; physically, I feel tired all the time; mentally, I'm in a slump.

There aren't many times that I've felt so down and ungrateful than recently and it's times like this that I have to stop and consider what's changed in me. What has been the catalyst in this time of personal turmoil - because as dramatic as it sounds, that's how it feels.

I've made a career on knowing what to say and how to say it and at times I can't help but wonder if all I'm doing is an act. I came face to face with a hard truth recently regarding where I stand with God and I can tell you, it wasn't a happy truth, it wasn't positive, wasn't strong, wasn't anything I could say I'm proud of...but I stood in it. Relished in the fact that at least, for once, I'm being honest with myself about where I am - but truthfully, I know that I want more.

I've always looked at making other people happy as my goal in life, mostly because it's easy to see when you've achieved that end, you know when you make someone feel good, they tell you or you can just see it in them which is probably why I struggle so much with faith. It's like, God, I want to make you happy, but could you please give me a sign so I know if I'm doing it right? And I know I can't be alone in this, I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, but I know I feel that way.

Today, I cracked open my bible for a quiet time for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I needed to reread James and it hit me pretty clear.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:5-7 NIV)

Ouch.

If there was one thing that stood out to me in the past month about my walk with God and has kinda hit me square in the face over the past 48 hours, it was that I believed in God, but that didn't mean that I actually believed God.

A friend asked me, straight up, "Ashley, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for you?" and I sat there, eyes wide, tears streaming down my face from a long, much-needed, look at myself and realized that I didn't. That I knew I could be saved, but that I didn't find myself worthy and I wanted to be worthy of it although I knew I never would be...so rather than accept what He gave me, live a life that puts him first, I tried to put on an act and it just pushed me further and further away from where I truly wanted to be.

Which leaves me to ask myself, where do I want to be - and more importantly how do I get there.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I guess that's just part of walking with God or at least trying to keep up the pace. To not look back, to leave it all behind and understand that you're walking into something greater even though you have no real clue what you're walking into.

So I guess that's where I'm at...I've finally found the path I'm going to choose.

A wrap up.

A few captures from my 365 so far... :)

Ahhh, it's Friday! What a lovely week it has been.

After spending a grand total of probably 32 hours (at the most) with DP, taking pictures, listening to music, enjoying life, and not really enjoying Korean food (sorry, girl) - I was rejuvenated and ready to come back to reality. SIGH.

Thankfully, my reality has been pretty sweet as of late. Work has been good, my friendships have been solid, and I have a lot to look forward to in general.

I had the pleasure of having a fantastic Valentine's Day date with a great guy who also sent a box of chocolate covered strawberries to my job.

Let's just say - I've never had anything like this happen to me, so it was such a treat!

We went out to a fantastic restaurant, got some great food, then ate the rest of the chocolate covered strawberries (they were SO big, I couldn't eat them all at work!) and drank champagne while watching Scandal.

Truly, a great night indeed.

It's the little things that mean so much though. Honestly, coming back to the newsroom from a live shot (that went amazingly well at that) to a box at my desk with some sweet treats inside was the proverbial icing on the cake for a perfect day - and it was a perfect day that was just one of many high points for the week.

I can only hope that next week holds so much promise! But even if it doesn't, I will savor all the great moments of this week and appreciate my friends, loved ones, and even those that I don't love so much for all they mean to me and the impact they've had on my life.

DP being sassy, but classy at Big Spring Park.

Some jugglers...just juggling...

Me being a creep...per usual.

"Laissez les bon temps rouler!" @ Millies in PC

Cheers to the freakin' weekend!

Sometimes you gotta get away.

Sweet, home Alabama.

Being somewhere for a year can really wear you down and sometimes, all you need is a little vacation - and I finally had one without using any of my vacation time.

Sunday, after church, I scrambled home to grab my bags and hit the road to go to Huntsville, AL to visit my amazing friend for her birthday and attend the Rock and Worship Roadshow.

First of all, let me be crystal clear: this visit was everything I needed right now. I had a chance to do a photoshoot with DP, heard some great music, and met some awesome people. It was just the right dose of escape to remind me that where I am now isn't where I'll always be.

Also, let me add that there is nothing more fun than going to a great worship. I mean, I heard Mercy Me, Jeremy Camp, Rhett Walker Band, and a bunch of people I'd never heard of before and pretty much all of it was fantastic.

What wasn't so much fun? Driving back to Panama City Beach at 4:30 in the morning today. Whoo, pain in the butt, however I will say that I'm grateful for how things worked out because originally, I would have had to leave AL a 1 am.

Praise God that that didn't happen.

Anyway, here are some pics from the weekend - expect some stuff for my 365 soon. I started it on Monday...2 days strong y'all.

Big Spring Park in Hunstville, AL

DP and I

Happy Tuesday!