The Art of Letting Go

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

When it comes down to the scariest thing about Christianity, it is--for me--trusting God.

More so than cutting off certain things from my life, more than any limitations that some say my beliefs may thrust on me, the scariest thing is trusting God.

I have an incredibly hard time fully trusting people that I can see, so you can imagine the aggravation of trusting something that I cannot physically see in front of me. Is God good? Yes, he would never do anything to hurt me that wasn't for my greater good-I've dealt with enough shaky situations to say that I can go along with this thinking. Do I believe that God has all control over everything? That he really and truly has his eye on everything happening in the world? Absolutely.

Do some people think I'm ridiculous for thinking that? Of course, but that's them.

The problem I have with trusting God is my desire to have control. I know that I can't control everything in my life, but if I could just get this situation fixed on my own terms, in my own way, I'd be happier. In a way, it's a snub at God. It's me saying, God I know you said you'd do this a certain way, in your time and that things would work out for my good--but I'm sure that my way is better. My way will get me where I want to be faster and it will be more fun or more economical or just have a better outcome for me in general.

What I've found is that I've been wrong. I've found that in the situations where I grab the reins and try to take control sometimes work out fine, but they could have been better. My pride gets in the way, my impatience gets in the way, my anger, my emotions--all of them get in the way of me doing or getting the best thing possible.

Whether it is for my career, my romantic life, my family situations, my friendships, if I try to manipulate them to work in my favor, things tend to go sour.

I'm still learning what it means to let go of a situation and let God take control of it. There is no handbook for "laying something down at the foot of the cross"...there's this idea of what it means though. To pray about it, to wait for some sort of confirmation, to read the Bible, to get people that have the same priorities thoughts on it, but when do you stop worrying? When do the thoughts come to a still? Is that the point where you know you've given it to God? If so, where does it start?

It's a difficult situation. How do you let the cards fall where they may? What does giving something to God really look like? Does it mean I don't care about it anymore? Does it mean I sit back and just...ride it out?

It's a complicated situation and I look forward to getting the answers.

On Growing Up & Being Present

Monday was my Little One's first day of high school…I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My sister and I have 8 years between us and I think the scariest part of having that big of a gap between us is my constant thinking of her as the little one. 

If you compare the two of us, we're remarkably different. Growing up, I naturally excelled at my academics and was considered a social butterfly. My sister didn't have those same qualities.

I guess I attribute my attitude towards learning and towards social activity to how I was raised. I was used to moving a lot, being forced to shift according to my new circles of friends from a young age, I never complained about it. I would find my escape in reading, I hated going outside.

The Little One though, she loves being outside. Loves playing sports, loves sweating, but didn't have the same love of reading until recently. In fact it wasn't until the past year or so that she realized that life was much easier if she took the time to do her homework. Socially speaking, she has struggled, but is finally coming into her own and I am so proud.

I spoke to her on the phone after her first day ready to get the run down, to come to her aid, offer encouragement if she needed it, but instead I was greeted with something very different.

"Aren't you excited that your little sister is growing up?"

Honestly, I wasn't. Hearing those words actually caused my eyes to water a bit. It was a reminder that she was going to grow up, that she was going to get her heart broken by some idiot at some point, that one day she will lose her virginity, that one day she will get drunk, and one day she might get high and I won't know what to do, how to comfort her, what I should do.

I think of the relationship that I have with my older sister. Calling her that fateful day in tears, crying because I knew I had made the wrong choice…and having her be there for me. I remember days out with her in New York, getting drinks, having fun, dancing around and loving being around her and I worry that Little One and I might not have as close of a relationship as we should.

I'm not ready for her to grow up.
I'm not ready for her to get hurt.
I'm not ready for her to drive my car.
I'm not ready for her to go to prom in a gown.

I'm not ready for life to happen like this, I'm just getting accustomed to being on my own, the thought of her being on her own in just a few years scares me. I'm not excited that my little sister is growing up, and I told her. I told her that she was going to make me cry and she laughed nervously and apologized, then remarked smartly, "…but you know I'm always going to be a little kid to you. I mean, that's what happens when there's 8 years between two sisters."

And in that moment everything was okay…but just for that moment. My little, precious, annoying, ridiculous sister is growing up. She is officially a high school student with semesters instead of a year round schedule. She's taking courses that deal with career management and algebra and science and business and I'm too far away to guide her through all the trials and tribulations of those hallways.

What can I do from 11 hours away? What happens when my family moves farther away? What about when I move? And then it hits me right in the face: the same things my big sister did.

Be there. If not physically, through prayer, through conversation. When she calls, answer. When she texts, respond. If she emails, write back. All I can do is be there.

Music Monday: Lianne La Havas

With Tropical Storm Isaac moving his way away from us, I suppose I can stop my preparations for a hurricane party. Sad day. Anyway, in order to bring some calm to the non-existent-around-these-parts storm, I had to bring light to one of my absolute loves that I must see live.

That's all I have to say on that topic.

It's been over a year since I fell in love with Lianne La Havas because of one video. I've always adored voices like hers, it's a raspy, lovely find. As anyone who knows me knows, I am a slave to acoustic guitars and beautiful voices, so she was bound to cause my heart to leap. Aside from her precious accent while speaking, she seems to be a sweet humble woman with a powerful voice that she has great control over not to mention that she looks absolutely stunning.

Her CD, Is Your Love Big Enough, came out earlier this summer and LORD knows I've needed it. Needed it, loved it, wrote to it, mused over anything and everything over it.

So, for your enjoyment as I prepare for my last week of beef, here's Lianne La Havas.

P.S. If you want more, please buy the album, BUT if you can't get it, I implore you to listen to this…and then rethink not buying it--GO BUY IT.

Friday Photo: On Finding Your Personal Heaven

Whenever I'm seeking peace, whenever I need to take the time to look around me and feel peace despite whatever I'm going through, I go to the beach.

I've been blessed to work in paradise. I mean, there's no other way to describe where I live, work and play. I'm constantly driving between Panama City Beach, Destin, Port St. Joe, Mexico Beach, Apalachicola…a bunch of places that are all within an hour or so from me and they all have their own little bits of heaven in them.

I can say without a doubt that I feel closest to God when I'm by the ocean. There's something about how huge it is. I mean…it goes on forever, no matter where you're standing, even when you reach a coast, all you have to do is turn around and see that you're completely surrounded by water.

Those thoughts always knock me right back down to size when I start to feel a little bit too self-righteous. I just look around and it's an instant slap in the face of how humble I should be when I consider just how amazing and awesome everything else is.

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances." -Mahatma Gandhi

There's no profound nature to this picture, it just captures the essence of what I need. I was driving to story to watch a sea turtle be released in Port St. Joe and I couldn't stop being staring out my window (obviously not my smartest/safest choice…but that's neither here nor there).

Eventually I pulled over so I could take a picture of what I saw. It was the perfect capture of everlasting peace. There's something about the sound of water lapping at your feet, a slight breeze to your face that rustles your hair and the overwhelming silence of distractions. No computers, no chattering people, no pings from iNews, no yelling…just quiet.

My personal heaven.

Illusions of Grandeur

"My refusal to settle for something lesser but more immediate is, to say the least, a huge inconvenience for me right now. But I have to believe what I'm working toward will be worth it in the end." - Amy

I had to let those words resonate this morning…and really every morning for the past few weeks.

I must say I am incredibly grateful for the people God has placed in my life over the past month. I know in my heart that these individuals will be the ones that I truly consider my friends while I spend my time here in Panama City Beach. I have found people that I have things in common with from our career goals to our experiences in life--and it's great to have someone who can relate.

I never thought that I'd be married in my early 20s. Growing up, I told myself, even in middle school, that I would start my career and that I wouldn't be willing to settle down and get married until I had my own life figured out; that I wouldn't let my life end up being completely dominated by some love interest who may be amazing, but would strip me of my ability to create the life I want because I would need to pack up and move to be with him should his position change.

Listen. I grew up in a military family and didn't go to the same school 2 years in a row until I got to high school…my view of things is a tad bit different than others my age.

That being said, as I've grown older, I have found myself wanting to compromise on this.

Maybe it's the incredible amount of friends that are in serious relationships--and by serious I don't mean oh they've been dating awhile, I mean, oh they're engaged.

I feel a bit behind the learning curve on relationships. In my 23 years, I've never had a long term relationship, I don't believe I've ever truly been in love though I can say that I've been dragged around in the dregs of infatuation and lust. I'm not upset about this. It's just been a learning experience. By this time in their lives, my older sister, mother, grandmother and plenty other women in my family already knew who their final mate would be and while I know my personal life has been a different kind of beast than their own, it does cause me to look inside myself to try and figure out just where I went wrong on an emotional conquest.

While Amy's quote probably had little to do with love or relationships, as I've cycled through the motions in the past year and 4 months since graduating from college, I find myself thinking about what it is that I want. I find it funny that I can hold this mentality so strongly when it comes to my career or things that I know I can negotiate and change without the help of others, but it's when you throw in the kink that makes a situation dependent on a second party things tend to get messy. Do I want to settle for something now although I know in my heart that there is something greater out there for me? Do I have the patience necessary to make it to that greater thing? Or will jealousy and desire consume me and cause me to settle for something I don't want out of desperation?

Music Monday: Rilo Kiley

The past two months or so have been punctuated with beautiful sunshine, blue skies and torrential downpour almost every single day.

That is not an exaggeration.
At least once a day, we have ridiculous rain that leads to roads being flooded and then a few hours later, it's all gone because the sun comes back out and dries it all up.

That being said, today is dreary. It's also the first day of school for almost everybody down south and I must say I love, love, love the new beginnings that come along with that. To brighten up the day, I'm pulling out an old lovely that always makes me smile: Rilo Kiley.

I never listened to Rilo Kiley very much, but somehow "Breaking Up" popped up on my radar and I needed to have something pleasant and poppy to get me through the day. I've heard that their past music was a bit deeper and much better, but frankly--I like this sound. It brings me a piece of sunshine and makes me o'so happy.

So here's to new beginnings and bright sunny days and big fat smiles no matter the amount of rain that comes our way!

Enjoy Rilo Kiley!

From Prison, With Love

In case you wanted to read the letter from my inmate in it's entirety, here it is. I am typing this letter precisely as it is in front of me. All spelling, punctuation, everything is all him. Please remember: this letter is long.

August 12, 2012

Dear Ms. Arnold,

First and foremost…in bringing the writing of this missive for your consideration this writer does so with all due respect and genuine intention, thereby harboring hope that you will not consider this letter an irritant or insolent imposition. Undoubtedly, receiving correspondence from an incarcerated person is utterly and completely foreign to you. Nonetheless, in receiving this letter from an incarcerated person, there is absolutely no reason to even remotely entertain fear, alarm, apprehension, or an avalanche of concern. I am not some predatory threat or evil lurking on the horizon, not by any stretch of the imagination could this writer be any kind of threat to you or anyone else.

When Wishes Come True

Ahh, the phrase "be careful what you wish for," has never been more true.

Women often fantasize about receiving a letter in the mail from a lover, an admirer from afar, proclaiming their undying affection for them. Many times, people say that my generation is one that has lost the zeal of written word, that we--as a group--have been sucked dry when it comes to our ability to hold conversations that don't involve character limits.

Frankly, I'm inclined to agree that many people in my generation have stopped long form writing, however, I would say that it has taught us--well…some of us--the importance of being concise in our manner of speaking.

Facts matter. Details, sure. But once things start getting long and flowery, it's time to chop it up.

That's my news side taking over as well…BUT back to the whole letter thing.

August 14th started like any other day…oh, how it changed once I arrived at the station to find this gem waiting for me.

Yes…I, Ashley received a 4 page letter from an admirer. In fact, I wouldn't call it a letter, he referred to it as a MISSIVE. Yes ma'ams and sirs. A missive. 

He would go on to tell me how beautiful I am, that my eyes are mesmerizing, that seeing me on his television screen causes his blood to become the place the gods must have gone before they found fire.

YES.

I have what seems to be a stalker. 

However, like any good stalker/admirer/fantasizer, there are limitations to our conversations. The biggest limitation? The fact that he is incarcerated and will be in prison until November 2013. At which point, I should be far, far away from Panama City Beach, FL. 

And yes, I do plan on writing back. I mean, that's the right thing to do, especially considering the final page which illustrated all the reasons that my not writing back would be ignorant on my part and the disclaimer at the beginning of the letter (2 paragraphs) that explained why I have no reason to be alarmed that I was getting a letter from a man in prison who has only seen me on a television screen.

Oh, life. You truly are stranger than any fictional movie I could put together. Thanks for that.

 

Dear 23

Yesterday I turned 23 and I will say that it was a fantastically lowkey day for me overall, however I did some very good things.

1. Officially got a license with my current address…
1b. …which means that I can vote here once the big election comes.

2. Saw my awesome friend Brit and had a long talk about God, our relationships, and my feelings on this place...and it was so insightful.

3. Got some great drinks…all for free, of course. (I mean hello it was my birthday.)

4. Decided to become pescetarian…for the year.

Clearly number 4 is the game changer. So how will I do this? Well, the intent is to do this gradually. I started my birthday the healthiest I've ever done it by making smoothies for the first time.

So after drinking that (and it was pretty amazing) I decided that I could do this and made the big choice to eat my last steak for next year on my birthday. The ultimate plan is to drop beef and pork out of my diet by the end of the month and then get rid of chicken by early October and stick to fish from there on out…I'm actually REALLY excited…but a quick snapshot of this last memory with my steak…

HOW I ALREADY MISS YOU DARLING.

Celebration Time

Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.

While I haven't had an official celebration, nor do I have anything really planned out to celebrate, the last couple days have been really nice, honestly, the last week has been nothing short of completely relaxing and amazing. I watched my friend get married, saw a bunch of my old friends from school, had my best live shot ever, had a great dinner out with my coworkers and this morning was at church from 7:15 to around 12:45…and I was completely content performing in Kids Church--it was a blast.

Today was my first real taste of satisfaction in a long time…truly feeling happy with where I am, what I'm doing, truly feeling like I'm fulfilling my purpose and realizing that being myself is great, not trying to fit the mold that others have for me is perfectly fine.

This small revelation actually means a lot. I guess I really let what I wrote yesterday sink in.

Whoop dee doo.
I guess 23 will be a good year for me.

My Big One

They say you get to know yourself when you're in college...and I have found that that is a big, fat lie. Why? Because in college your social interactions are decided by the group that you're with, for example, if your friends are hip-hop heads you'll probably find yourself either learning more about music or maybe seeing more concerts, getting deeper and deeper in that culture which might bring you out to open mics which might get you into other random things and then BAM...you're having this realization that you've been in the dark all your life and that spoken word has been your calling for ever...or whatever your big *wham* moment is.

But you don't really get to know yourself until you get out of college and you're on your own in a city where you know no one. Where you're totally fending for yourself and literally only have your career to keep you warm at night--I mean, how else will you pay the bills, right? Right. 

If there was one thing that I wish they taught you in high school or college, it would be making friends in the adult world. Sure, if you live in a big city, it's easy. There's a ridiculous amount of young people in these sprawling cities or college towns, but when you're in a teensy tiny town in the Panhandle, it gets to be a bit more difficult to make friendly with people who have been in the same place their entire life.

...and that's how things are right now.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy where I am. There's plenty of pretty things to see and for the most part the people that I've encountered are great, but I miss college. I miss having people in their 20s that I could relate to, that I could be close to...and that just hasn't happened.

The problem with being a reporter is that you never really get to lay roots down anywhere when you're just beginning, unless you want to stay in your first job forever. I could never see myself staying where I am right now...many of the people who have been here have been here their entire lives and I have no idea how they can manage to be content...yet, they are...not only are they content, but they have their groups, their exclusive partnerships that are impossible to break through and yet I'm still trying.

I don't know what the point of this post is, but I guess I just want to remember today, when I, Ashley decided that I had enough with being pathetic and being sad and alone. The day I got tired of trying to break through people's walls and said maybe it's time that I face my fear of being alone and stop pushing for superficial friendships to sustain me, but learn how to sustain myself.

So yes...that's the point of this post. August 10, 2012. The day I became free.