On Growing Up & Being Present

Monday was my Little One's first day of high school…I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My sister and I have 8 years between us and I think the scariest part of having that big of a gap between us is my constant thinking of her as the little one. 

If you compare the two of us, we're remarkably different. Growing up, I naturally excelled at my academics and was considered a social butterfly. My sister didn't have those same qualities.

I guess I attribute my attitude towards learning and towards social activity to how I was raised. I was used to moving a lot, being forced to shift according to my new circles of friends from a young age, I never complained about it. I would find my escape in reading, I hated going outside.

The Little One though, she loves being outside. Loves playing sports, loves sweating, but didn't have the same love of reading until recently. In fact it wasn't until the past year or so that she realized that life was much easier if she took the time to do her homework. Socially speaking, she has struggled, but is finally coming into her own and I am so proud.

I spoke to her on the phone after her first day ready to get the run down, to come to her aid, offer encouragement if she needed it, but instead I was greeted with something very different.

"Aren't you excited that your little sister is growing up?"

Honestly, I wasn't. Hearing those words actually caused my eyes to water a bit. It was a reminder that she was going to grow up, that she was going to get her heart broken by some idiot at some point, that one day she will lose her virginity, that one day she will get drunk, and one day she might get high and I won't know what to do, how to comfort her, what I should do.

I think of the relationship that I have with my older sister. Calling her that fateful day in tears, crying because I knew I had made the wrong choice…and having her be there for me. I remember days out with her in New York, getting drinks, having fun, dancing around and loving being around her and I worry that Little One and I might not have as close of a relationship as we should.

I'm not ready for her to grow up.
I'm not ready for her to get hurt.
I'm not ready for her to drive my car.
I'm not ready for her to go to prom in a gown.

I'm not ready for life to happen like this, I'm just getting accustomed to being on my own, the thought of her being on her own in just a few years scares me. I'm not excited that my little sister is growing up, and I told her. I told her that she was going to make me cry and she laughed nervously and apologized, then remarked smartly, "…but you know I'm always going to be a little kid to you. I mean, that's what happens when there's 8 years between two sisters."

And in that moment everything was okay…but just for that moment. My little, precious, annoying, ridiculous sister is growing up. She is officially a high school student with semesters instead of a year round schedule. She's taking courses that deal with career management and algebra and science and business and I'm too far away to guide her through all the trials and tribulations of those hallways.

What can I do from 11 hours away? What happens when my family moves farther away? What about when I move? And then it hits me right in the face: the same things my big sister did.

Be there. If not physically, through prayer, through conversation. When she calls, answer. When she texts, respond. If she emails, write back. All I can do is be there.